The Illusion of Control

I’m delighted to present this guest post by Bob Lowry, who writes Satisfying Retirement. Although Bob’s blog focuses on all aspects of leading a fulfilling life in retirement, I read his blog long before I retired because I found that much of his wisdom applies to life at any stage.

We want control...control of our life, our future, our health, our time, our relationships, even our thoughts. Being in control means what we want to happen will. So, we go through our day believing the force of our personality or intellect, or some cosmic plan will insure the outcome we desire. We are part of a culture that preaches we determine how we live. It is all about my needs and me.

Unfortunately, life doesn’t work that way. Thinking we are in control and believing our needs alone determine what will happen is an illusion. When suddenly something happens that forces us to recognize our life is not unfolding the way we expect, we are faced with tension and anxiety. A major health emergency, the loss of a job, the failure of a relationship, or financial plans going awry are part of living. Suddenly, there is a strong lack of certainty over our decision-making. Our life seems to lack consistency: we don’t have a sense that today will be like yesterday or tomorrow.

Does that mean it is best to simply accept whatever comes your way? Is it silly to make plans or set goals? Absolutely not. Being happy may not mean you control everything that happens in your life, but you certainly can influence it. You can prepare for change and learn to adapt to what happens.

What can we realistically hope to control? Our attitude and reactions are two major elements under our influence. As Galen has made abundantly clear in this blog, what we think about in large part determines how well we are navigating the ten steps to happiness. Then what are some ways we can take to understand the true meaning of control?

You can’t control other people. Even your children or grandkids will only follow some of what you suggest is best for them. What you can do is control how you react to whatever that other person is doing. In some cases you may find it is best to simply spend little or no time someone whose actions leave you continuously upset and agitated.

If you are faced with a major problem, break it into smaller pieces. You are much more likely to be able to control how something unfolds if you deal with each smaller part of a situation, one at a time.

Look at the issue causing you concern with a fresh perspective. If controlling its effect on your happiness and contentment is not possible, you can decide to make it less important in your life. You can control how much time or energy you invest in worrying about it. Place it lower on your priority list.

Understand you are not alone. If you are a religious person, you already understand that God has ultimate control over the world and what is happening. It is very liberating to give up what is troubling you when you accept that a power much greater than you is actually in charge. Your burden is not yours to carry alone. Having friends to lean on helps tremendously. Sharing your frustrations and hurt with someone else who cares deeply for you is very cleansing and empowering. Your friend’s empathy lets you see that you matter and you are loved.

Acceptance of how the world works, and even your ability to be happy, comes from understanding one very basic fact of being a human being: there is a critical difference between believing you are in control and understanding that only some things are controllable. Wisdom is grasping the difference. Happiness is accepting it.


Bob Lowry writes the blog Satisfying Retirement. He is the author of Building a Satisfying Retirement available through Amazon and is a contributor to the new book, 65 Things To Do When You Retire. Bob and his wife live in Scottsdale, AZ.

related posts: The Things I Cannot Change; Man Plans, God Laughs