I will fight no more forever. –Chief Joseph
I have read several blog posts in recent weeks focusing on the choice to be right or happy. Then yesterday, I picked up the book I’m reading and there it was again. Okay, universe, you have my attention.
Indeed, once I stopped and thought about it, the relevance of this issue to my life right now became immediately apparent. Since I wrote several weeks ago about an upsetting incident, I have continued to replay the event in an endless loop. Tension remains in my spirit, causing me discomfort, motivating me to explore ways to restore peace, frustrating me when no solution seems available.
The Tao Te Ching counsels, “After a bitter quarrel, some resentment must remain. What can one do about it? Therefore the sage keeps his half of the bargain but does not exact his due.”
Hmm. What can I do about it? Well, I can’t go back and change what happened. I can’t control what anyone else thinks about or does in response to what happened. There’s the rub. I want to restore my inner peace by “fixing” what is out there, beyond my control. So what can I control? My “half of the bargain.” What does that mean?
For one thing, it means dropping labels. In his book, The Ultimate Happiness Prescription, Deepak Chopra says, “No one has ever been made happy by proving that they are right. The only result is conflict and confrontation, because the need to be right always makes someone else wrong.” As soon as I attach right and wrong labels, I have separated myself from the other person. Peace is no longer possible.
For another thing, my half of the bargain means taking myself (my ego) out of the story, realizing that it really isn’t about me. As soon as I react in fear or anger, as soon as my feelings get hurt, as soon as I start trying to fix things or wanting the other person to behave in a certain way, then I have made the issue about me. I have made myself important. And I have made my well-being dependent on what happens “out there.” This only maintains the struggle.
I am reminded of a conflict I was engaged in years ago. Every effort I made to negotiate a settlement was met with resistance and counter demands I was not prepared to agree to. Finally, I gave up, fully expecting to be sued. Miraculously, the conflict vanished. I realized that I had prolonged the conflict by trying to force peace.
A Course in Miracles teaches, “Mistake not truce for peace, nor compromise for the escape from conflict. To be released from conflict means that it is over. The door is open; you have left the battleground.” That’s what I want to do. Leave the battleground. I’m still energetically engaged in a situation now past. I may have left the physical battleground, but the battle continues in my spirit. My desire to be right masks the fear that perhaps I’m not.
Instead, I see that the question of who is right and who is wrong is itself meaningless and only serves to sustain the artificial divide between self and other. I’d rather have an open hand than an upper hand. So I’m walking off the battleground. It’s over.
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. –John 14:27
related posts: The Way of No Way; Beyond Right and Wrong; No One Wins in Court
"As soon as I attach right and wrong labels, I have separated myself from the other person. Peace is no longer possible." ~ Wow, Galen, how true this is, yet so difficult to achieve.
ReplyDeleteWith the recent political conventions in this country, it becomes crystal clear. We choose one over the other, depending upon our preference, but must we demonize those who don't agree with us? Must we demean them and claim they are wrong in order to make our stance the right one? I think it is being underhanded to gain the upper hand at any cost.
Can facts speak for themselves? Can truth will out? To truly hear and understand, we do need to will the ego aside and listen the way God wants us to.
And, love and pray for those with whom we disagree.
Thanks for this timely and thought-provoking post, my friend.
Blessings to you!
Martha, I was thinking in personal terms, but you are right. The concept applies just the same between parties, nations, any groups. I met someone recently who, within minutes of our introduction, made a disparaging remark about one of our political parties. I thought it was very interesting that she seemed to assume that I shared her political views although politics had not entered the discussion. And while it happens to be true that I support the same party she does, I don't think that demonizing the other party serves any justifiable purpose. All I could think about was how I would have felt had I been a supporter of the other party. Thanks for your comment.
DeleteYou have left me with so much to think about. Thank you so much for the inspriation. I am always trying to be a peace maker. I have now got to stop and think about letting things go a little sooner than I might like.
ReplyDeleteBonnie, Letting go isn't easy, especially when there isn't a clear and satisfactory resolution. Thanks for commenting.
DeleteGalen: I thought you walked away long ago. You know the answers without Tao and Chopra. I must admit, Chief Joseph is one of my heroes. However, his fight was just and necessary. Like I posted on another blog, I always walk happily, softly, and carefully between raindrops, unless cornered. There is a time and place for everything in Nature.
ReplyDeleteJJ, I thought I did, too! But this incident showed me that in a perfect storm sort of situation, my old stuff can be triggered. A time and a place even for that, apparently. Thanks for commenting.
DeleteGalen, I just love your choice of quotes from the Scriptures. And as you know, I am hooked to the Course In Miracles, although I am forced to spend less time than I would like, because of work commitments.
ReplyDeleteYou know, my Mom used to say the exact same thing about the labels. They confine us, restrain us. Worse still, it develops and nurtures an inner struggle that is quite painful. I also remember reading Deepak Chopra's words - I think it was in an Oprah newsletter. So true. Being right does not bring the satisfaction we think it will.
I have found that we can choose to dwell on past pains or choose not to. I've chosen not to - by filling my life with more positive stuff. Sometimes I do have to deal with unhappy thoughts - after all, we don't have control over the subconscious minds that hides so many feelings. :-) But once it rises to the conscious surface, I try and make myself feel better. :-)
You know I love you. Hugs.
Vidya, You know I love you, too! You are one of the most positive, loving people I have ever encountered. Glad you are venturing into A Course in Miracles. Thanks for commenting.
DeleteI've been down that road a lot. It's the frustration of trying to control that which is out of our hands. Wastes time and makes you unpleasant.
ReplyDeleteCW, Well it definitely makes me unpleasant sometimes! And wastes a lot of energy. Thanks for commenting.
DeleteThis is an excellent post, some of the things I have been learning and trying to put into practice for awhile now. I get caught up in the game far to often, usually when I as a controller headbutts with another one. Sometimes people don't want to know how to live happier, they seem to be content in their misery.
ReplyDeletejan, Your last statement really caught my attention, because that is certainly part of what I am struggling with in this situation--someone who seems determined to be unhappy and angry and to direct that at me and my family. It's a tough one for me to stay open in. Thanks for commenting.
DeleteJust experienced my own little inner 'gremlins' Galen so I feel for you. I've been learning a new releasing technique that I had an opportunity to put into practice, which worked beautifully for me. So much so that I've just written about it. It was doubly interesting to read about your insights.
ReplyDeleteI so appreciate you sharing your journey with us Galen...you are such an encourager.
Love Elle
xoxo
Elle, Yes, those little gremlins are everywhere! I'll come right over and learn from your perspective, too! Thanks for commenting.
DeleteI am in the middle of a conflict within myself - as per my usual! Oh those running little tapes and edits that go on within the head! Not so fun and it makes me feel a bit like a drama queen...Then I read something wonder full like this post and I just sigh and work on letting go and I stop stirring the pot; add a good walk to the measure and a sense of peace always returns. A miracle!
ReplyDeleteI have found it so amazing to be without TV this election season - I am not ignoring but I am listening and seeing with my own values leading the way. I wonder if it might be like the folks who are buying their candidates with so much money - although it is a different kind of control? Contentment?
My mind would like to conclude that one can not purchase peace or contentment ...I would like to be RIGHT on that score!
I have changed my profile - and wrote that, maybe on the wrong spot on the last post I wrote on. I hope this change will stick? Thank you for letting me know the profile was not working again to link.
and...
Thank you for sharing your good words and journey. Greatly appreciated
Patricia, So glad you got the tech side worked out. Now people can link back to your site. No TV--great idea. I have TV this election season, but not to watch politics, but rather to watch football! Still a battle, but much more fun! Thanks for your comment.
DeleteGalen,
ReplyDeleteThis is such an insightful post! What I hear you saying is that you want to get rid of the uncomfortable feelings in you. That's always a sign that ego is actively engaged. Another way to work with conflict is taking on the blame. Ego doesn't like that, but it's amazing how doing that creates space for something new and different to arise.
I'm so impressed with how you are working with and through this difficult encounter and your courage to share the process with all of us.
Sandra, I read something along the lines of your comment this morning in A Course in Miracles. Any time that I feel discomfort, guilt, blame, any loss of peace, then I know that ego is engaged, just as you said. A clear test! Then I know that I have the power to make a different choice. Thanks for your kind and encouraging words. I woke up this morning feeling light and free. I think I'm on a good path now.
DeleteThe only way I have found so far to resolve that internal battle/endless loop is to realize that it no longer exists except in my mind, and by continuing to think of it I am perpetuating it - and then I send that person love. This is extremely hard to do! At first. Then repeat every time it comes up. Eventually the story disappears.
ReplyDeleteJulie, That is a good reminder to ourselves, to remember that I am making up a story and creating the drama that is causing me distress. The solution? Send the person love and blessings. And you hit on the key--repeat as needed! Thanks for your comment.
DeleteFrom the Course I always remember "You are either right or you are happy." I needed to hear that today. It is so often we go back to ego, where we think we are so comfortable, but actually suffering greatly and have to be reminded once again!
ReplyDeleteJodi, Life is wonderful, isn't it? Whenever we forget who we are, life sends us an opportunity to learn again that we are spiritual beings united in love. Thanks for your comment.
DeleteGalen.....I know from past communications that you have been struggling with this issue. I think that you've hit the nail on the head with this post.
ReplyDeleteSo many of us have a reflexive need to prove that we are right...when the truth is...what difference does it make (unless it's a life and death issue?) It is our ego screaming out to us rather than our wiser self.
If you apologize to a person when you think you have wronged them and they refuse to accept it...well...then they have shown their true colors. It took me several years to figure it out and KNOW it....but now I work at feeling compassion when this happens rather than hurt or anger.
There is a Jewish Holiday coming up next month called Yom Kippur. It is the day of atonement, when we ask others for forgiveness. If you ask another for forgiveness and they don't accept on a 3rd attempt by you, then you are automatically forgiven by Jewish law.
Right now, I have 2 people who have wiped me out of their lives...for what I think are petty reasons. Regardless, I have asked for their forgiveness more than a few times and have only received silence or a tirade of anger from one of them.
After initial hurt, I am now in a place of compassion. But it took some work to get here. And it is such a relief not to dwell on it Galen or think to myself 'what could I have done differently?'
Inevitable, we hurt the ones we love. It is part of being human...Fran
Fran, Yes, I have been struggling with this, but I feel like things are loosening up and I am starting to break free. Thanks for educating me about Yom Kippur. I knew about it as the day of atonement, but I didn't know the details of the tradition. There is much wisdom in the process.
DeleteThanks for sharing your story. Moving to compassion is like moving from the darkness into the light. I have been stuck on the "what could I have done differently" question, but really, who knows the answer to that or what the results would have been of different choices?
Thank you for your comment.
We find it hard to let go when we become emotionally attached. Even when the past has already gone, we keep it alive in our minds. I had found it hard to release my frustration over an issue last week but when I made the intent to, it was pretty easy to. Once we tell ourselves firmly that it is over, we make the choice to know that it is done and complete and that we are ready to move on.
ReplyDeleteGlad that you made up your mind eventually too!
Evelyn, So true, my emotions definitely were triggered and engaged. I kept it alive in my mind. Like you, though, I'm setting my intent to release it and move on. I have already felt the effects of that in the last day. Thank you for commenting.
DeleteA great Post about an important topic. I have avoided many a right versus wrong discussion with a very simple statement that has always served me well & given me the ability to maintain my Peace, my perspective, and utterly avoids conflict with the other person, who may feel the need to be right and want to engage the right/wrong battle:
ReplyDelete"You could be right." {end of discussion}
This is neither an affirmation nor debate about the topic at hand, it merely leaves each party the ability to leave the battleground in Peace with dignity intact. At the end of the day I opt for Peaceful resolution and Relational Harmony over being Right any day... after all, someone else's opinion has never really interfered with my ability to live my Life as I intend and form my own opinions. *winks* I Pray that your Spirit now be restored as you have chosen to leave the physical battlefiend and the battlefiend of the mind my Friend.
Peace be with you... Dawn... The Bohemian
Dawn, Love your phrase! In the heat of the moment, if I could just take a breath and voice that, the adversarial energy would dissipate. It opens the door to connection rather than closing the door with confrontation. Thanks for sharing your wisdom.
DeleteGalen, just recently I made a comment on a blog as a first time reader that drew "fire" from another reader. I was factual with the comment that I made and did not intend to be controversial, but apparently I was to at least one individual. The reader who took offence wrote that I was most likely "willfully uninformed." Unfortunately, I was so put off by the "personal attack" that I will not return to the blog. Still, the insult lingered in my mind for days and I had to use all the willpower I could muster just to resist the urge to respond. I am learning, but I have a long way to go.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your struggle with something so innately human.
Suzanne, Goodness, I can't imagine you saying something that would elicit that response. "Willfully uninformed" sounds a lot like a legal term "reckless disregard." Although I haven't had much of this kind of problem, that's why I have comment moderation on my blog. I welcome different opinions if voiced with courtesy. Your refraining from response is a way of walking off the battlefield. Thanks for your comment.
DeleteSuzanne and Malcom, you must realize that there are people who constantly prowl the blog sites to pick fights. I just went an extensive round with someone called Alicia who is really widely known as Crazy Morrison. She rants and raves but with just enough facts to make her comments half believable.
DeleteSome people just live in a very dark and spiteful world. They could definitely use the advice given by Galen but I'm sure none of it would get through.
Galen your site is on my regular read list thanks for all the wisdom you have.
Thanks, RJ!
DeleteI agree with Jan's comment. "Sometimes people don't want to know how to live happier." I have an aunt who is very "smart". She has an advanced degree in Psychology and she's very religious. But she has so much conflict with the people in her life! She doesn't speak to her only living child, and she doesn't speak to her brother, my dad. She asked me once to tell her why my dad doesn't want a relationship with her and what she could do to restore that bond with him. We had a long conversation, and I told her some simple things she could do so my dad would feel more open to talking to her and less defensive. To do the things I suggested, she wouldn't have to bend at all on principle, just shift her approach slightly. Do you know, in her 70s and with her advanced degrees, she ended the conversation by telling me that she shouldn't have to shift her approach because her brother is the one who needs to change?! That's when I realized that she wants to be right way more than she wants her brother or her daughter to ever speak to her again. So sad.
ReplyDeleteThat is sad, very sad. I wrote once that being right must be its own reward because often that is the only reward one gets from it. If her psychology training and her faith can't help her see the cost of her position, then we can only feel compassion for her in her isolation. Thank you for sharing this story.
DeleteI'm always so pleased and happy when I have the chance to stop by your blog and "hear" your gentle wisdom. "I’d rather have an open hand than an upper hand." I love that. I use the open hand image frequently in terms of giving and receiving (it's hard to give OR receive if your hand is closed), but never thought of that image in terms of letting go of conflict. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteTherese, I'm so pleased and happy when you stop by, too! Thanks for commenting.
DeleteWow, another great message, Galen. I always come away from your posts with having learned or been reminded of something that I need to take a closer look at. I have a couple of individuals in my family that I need to leave the battleground. I do know exactly how you feel and I am grateful for your thoughts to ponder upon today.
ReplyDeleteBlessings!
LeAnn, I feel that way about your posts, too. Thanks for your kind words.
DeleteHi Galen,
ReplyDeleteWhat a brilliant post. I was right there with you experiencing the conflict and leaving it as you ended the post.
You talked about the issues of being right and wrong, and labelling and how doing so just creates separation. This type of separation creates so much misery. The ego takes over and fools us, and when become the ego, we suffer. The more and more we strive to become one with another other, the more the insecurities and fears we experience will lessen. However, this is by far easier said than done.
Hiten, That is just how I experience it--the ego taking over. And while it is easier said than done, it does get generally easier to do with practice, or at least easier to shift back more quickly. This one situation has been more challenging for me, and yet even so I know I'm getting through it better than I would have several years ago. Thanks for commenting.
DeleteGalen,
ReplyDeleteAbout 20 years ago my husband and read "Real Magic" by Wayne Dyer and hear the phrase, "It's better to be kind than right." I still have problems with it because I just love to be right. So this is definitely something I work on all the time. Deepak Chopra's book sounds wonderful. Now I'm going to have read your linked post about the conflict that I somehow missed. I love when you bring in the Course On Miracles, too. That is a something I've never read and would like to.
Great reminders and great post!
Betsy, Ha, we all love that! Tara Brach wrote, "The world is divided into people who think they are right." If you would like to explore A Course in Miracles more, maybe you would like to be part of our study group. Let me know if you are interested. Thanks for your comment.
DeleteAfter reading your post I have gained so much more knowledge and insight into conflicts and how to resolve them with others, because it has touch on an experience I am currently having with a co-worker now - of me wanting to be right. Citing Stephen Covey we must, "Seek first to understand, then to be understood." We only have power over our own "Circle of Influence" - which consists of our thoughts, choices, feelings, behavior. Wonderful post! I totally agree. Cheers!!
ReplyDeletebobby, I like that concept of a circle of influence. I think in terms of what I can control -- my thoughts, words, and actions -- and what I can't control -- everything else! Thanks for commenting.
DeleteThis post is a good reminder of a behavior I've noticed (the first step to changing it...!) of replaying scenes from my now-defunct marriage and getting angry at my ex all over again. I'm realizing (1) it does me no good, (2) it gets me nowhere, and (3) it's not going to change. The best thing I can do for my sanity is to allow myself to be "released from the conflict" (which of course is in my soul and is swarming with guilt) and help myself be in the present.
ReplyDeleteSpeaking of which, I loved Ants in the Pants!