Think about the homepage on your computer. It’s there whenever you are online. If you go to other sites, you can always click on the home icon and go back to your homepage.
We have an inner homepage. It is where our minds go when they are not consciously and actively engaged. What does your homepage look like? For many of us, our homepage is a place of incessant inner chatter. Listen. What is the chatter about? For most of my life, my chatter was primarily about fear. I worried about things. Little things and big things. I rehearsed anticipated events. I reviewed things that had already happened. I was hyper-vigilant and sought to be always in control. I felt responsible for everything and everyone. And I was never ever good enough. My homepage was not a happy place.
There may be many reasons why we initially set our inner homepage in a certain way, reasons lost in time and in our unconscious, but I think we keep it set there mostly out of habit. I believe that we can reset our homepage to a happy place. Like changing any habit, it takes some awareness and reinforcement.
Training our minds has been compared to training a puppy. First you have to get the puppy’s attention. Then you show the puppy the desired behavior and reward the puppy for complying. Repeat. Again. As many times as it takes. Once trained, the puppy becomes a well-behaved companion and just needs occasional reminders.
My homepage now is a happy place. It wasn’t as easy as clicking on the box that says “Do you want to reset this page as your homepage?” I had a lot of habits to change, deeply ingrained habits. But it was worth the effort.
So think about what your inner homepage looks like and consider whether you want to change it. If you do, then stay tuned to hear more about the 10 steps. I’ve tried to identify simple techniques that we can weave into our daily lives without adding one more thing to our overcrowded schedules. These techniques are not a substitute for therapy, if that is needed, or other types of deep work. But they can complement deep work or simply add joy to our lives. This program is a work in progress, so I hope you will feel free to share your ideas.
"For most of my life, my chatter was primarily about fear. I worried about things. Little things and big things. I rehearsed anticipated events. I reviewed things that had already happened. I was hyper-vigilant and sought to be always in control. I felt responsible for everything and everyone. And I was never ever good enough. My homepage was not a happy place."
ReplyDelete**Wow. This is exactly how i feel. I realized recently that i entertain my bad thoughts to the extent that my mind always turns to things i hate or things that i fear when im day dreaming. i want to become happy and relaxed, how can i do that and truly become serene?
"For most of my life, my chatter was primarily about fear. I worried about things. Little things and big things. I rehearsed anticipated events. I reviewed things that had already happened. I was hyper-vigilant and sought to be always in control. I felt responsible for everything and everyone. And I was never ever good enough. My homepage was not a happy place."
ReplyDeleteWow. This is exactly how i feel. Recently i realized that i entertain my bad thoughts to the extent that my mind always turns to things i hate or things that scare me when im day dreaming. I also realized that i make myself angrier by overthinking some things. I want to become happy and relaxed and stop being afraid. How can i become truly serene?
sorry if i posted the same thing more than once, it kept saying that it did not send
ReplyDeleteMari--That's okay. It came through the first time as anonymous, so I'm glad you posted again. I think you have hit on exactly the right question--the connection between fear and serenity. Fear blocks our happiness and contentment, so it is important to address our fear. You might want to read some of my posts from March 2011. I focused that month on fear in connection with our urge to control things we can't control. Perhaps you will get some ideas from those posts about some ways that you can quit battling your fear.
ReplyDeleteOne story that comes to mind is about a young warrior who had to battle fear. The young warrior was small and inexperienced. She faced fear on the battlefield. Fear was huge and menacing and well armed. The warrior bowed to fear and asked him how to defeat him. He bowed in return, acknowledging her respect. He told her that the way to defeat him was to simply not do what he told her to do.
Asking the questions you are asking is the first important step towards building habits to grow a joyful spirit. I hope you will keep reading and stay in touch through comments or email. Good luck to you!!
okay im not sure if my post got through or not.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your reply, i really appreciate it. I just have one more question.
Before i sleep i have this habit of checking my room to make sure nothing is odd (i obviously know that i wont find anything but i just developed this fear, and i have to make sure "part of the urge to control you talked about". i even check under my bed).I also get disturbed by any small sound, since im always anticipating sth unfamiliar. I feel pathetic, that sometimes i try to stop myself from checking but then i get scared id have a nightmare about it. How can I overcome this in a positive way?
Mari--I used to be very much like that, too. I began to understand that those thoughts are habits, not truth. And we can change our habits. We need to develop new thinking habits. For me, when I would feel my anxiety rising, I would stop the thoughts by saying to myself, "I am safe." Sometimes I had to say it many times! But eventually, I becamse less afraid and actually began to believe that I am indeed safe. My thought habits changed.
ReplyDeleteYou can do it, too. But I will tell you that you might need some extra help. I was in therapy for several years and that helped me a lot. I am also part of a warm and supportive faith community. So please consider what kind of support you might need, including professional support, to help you let go of fear and bring more joy into your life.
PS to Mari--And please stay in touch and let me know how you're doing.
ReplyDeleteThank you very much. You've been very helpful and im very grateful. I started doing what you told me from yesterday and I honestly feel like I can do this! I stopped myself from being scared a few times yesterday and I insisted on "not checking, and not looking to see if anything is there...etc" and I must admit that tiny panic disappears once you insist on standing your ground! I hope I can keep it up!
ReplyDeleteYoure a great person. Again, thank you so much!