Three Kinds of Kindness

At our group discussion on kindness earlier this month (I lead a monthly discussion group on the 10 Steps), we identified three kinds of kindness to focus on as we develop the habit of kindness. I thought I would share this part of the discussion with you.

1. Spontaneous Kindness

This is the sort of kindness that is in response to a perceived need or opportunity. You might see a colleague looking sad and ask if everything is all right. You might offer a helping hand to a neighbor. You might greet a person passing by with a smile and hello.

While driving a few months ago, I noticed a woman in a wheelchair on the sidewalk next to a van parked at the curb. The van had a ramp that was partially unfolded, but seemed to be stuck. The woman held something in her hand – I couldn’t tell if it was a control for the van or perhaps a cell phone. As I passed by, I looked for a driver or someone nearby who might be helping her, but I saw no one.

I continued another block or two wondering whether an offer of help would be appropriate or an unwelcome intrusion, but decided to circle back and see. I pulled over behind her van, got out, and asked her if she needed some help. Yes, she said. If I could just pull the bottom section of the ramp out, it would flatten out. It was easy enough to do, requiring only a gentle tug. It took me less than a minute from the time I stopped till I was back on my way.

As we go through our day, there are many opportunities we have to lighten someone’s burden or to brighten someone’s day. See how many you can find.

2. Planned Kindness

There are many ways to plan kindness. You can plan for a certain time period – a day, a week, a month. You can identify any number of acts of kindness during that period. The point is to plan in advance specific acts of kindness you will do for identified recipients.

When my daughter was in first grade, her teacher called me one afternoon to tell me that she had been part of a group of children who were cruelly teasing a classmate about his severe allergies and the accommodations that were necessary to keep him safe. I couldn’t believe that MY child would act like that. (Can anyone relate?)

I sat her down in her time out chair and laid out her consequences. “Peter is now your new best friend. If anyone teases him, you will defend him. For the next two weeks, you will sit in this chair for five minutes every morning before you go to school, and you will plan three nice things to do for him that day. Then you will come home after school and tell me about doing them.” Amazingly, she did as told and, even more amazingly, did become Peter’s best friend. I saw that she felt good about being kind and by the end of the two weeks was looking forward to planning her nice gestures. It was a great way to start her day.

Hopefully, we haven’t been teasing anyone and don’t need to make amends. But what I learned from that is that we can plan to be kind. It’s fun to plan and it’s fun to carry out our plans. So pick a time period and make a list!

3. Fake It Till You Make It Kindness

Sometimes, we don’t feel kind. We don’t even want to feel kind. It’s possible that this is the best time to be kind. Kindness is a great thing because we don’t always have to feel it to get the benefit of it. A kind act can generate a subsequent feeling of kindness.

I had a supervisor years ago who was, as the saying goes, a child of God cleverly disguised as a total jerk. He made all our lives miserable. His method of management was to criticize and humiliate. I dreaded having to talk to him. Finally, one day I just decided to be nice. I don’t know why I did that. I wasn’t making a strategic or an enlightened decision. I just did it. I thanked him for helping me with a project (even though his “help” was to tell me I was doing it all wrong). I asked his opinion on another matter. That threw him off balance so much he actually gave me a compliment!

I would like to tell you that our department was transformed into one big happy family, but it wasn’t. What did change was my attitude. I no longer saw myself as a victim. I went about my business and wasn’t so churned up. I began to see why he might act the way he did, and even felt compassion for him. The kindness became genuine. No, we were never buddies, but we developed a more positive working relationship.

I’m not suggesting that we use kindness as a way to manipulate someone, or that we use kindness when we are in danger, or that we use it as an assault of our own (as in “Take that!”) What I am suggesting is that sometimes a kind gesture can break through our own feelings of judgment or defensiveness, and soften our own hearts. And that can lead to a feeling of well being and a capacity for genuine kindness.

“Do something wonderful for someone else today...and you will make two people happy.” Thanks to Jo who shared that quote in a comment on the last post.

Related posts: The Kindness Game, Kindness Pays, A Few Leaves