Compliment Ratio

I took my three month old grandson to the store yesterday. He was not happy in the cart, so I ended up carrying him in one arm. No problem till I got to the bulk foods and needed two hands. I went to the customer service desk and asked for help. A lovely young woman named Emily went with me right away and helped me get what I needed.

Then, when I was checking out, she noticed me in the line and came over to bag my groceries and insisted on carrying them out to the car. When I tried to thank her, she brushed it off, saying she was happy to be outside. She was so gracious and kind.

When I got home, I called the store and told the manager about her exceptional help. The manager was so pleased and assured me that Emily would get some extra recognition. The manager went on to thank me for calling and said that a $5 gift card would be waiting for me at the counter on my next visit. Wow, I didn’t see that coming.

I read recently that a 4:1 rule applies to successful relationships. For every negative interaction, there should be four positive ones. I got to thinking that the same ratio could apply to all our interactions. If we complain about something, we could balance that with four positive statements. We could balance every criticism with four compliments. Every expression of irritation or anger could be outweighed with four expressions of love and appreciation.

In my recent post, Embrace the Tiger, I acknowledged the cranky mood I was in at the time. I did lash out with criticism in several different situations. Whether or not the criticism was warranted, the fact was that I didn’t feel good about how I expressed it. My frustration was not relieved. What a contrast to how I felt after I called the manager about Emily. I felt terrific.

Today I called one of the people I lashed out at the other day. I apologized for how I had handled my frustration. I explained more objectively what I thought needed correction, and I put that in the context of the overall great job I thought this person did. We ended that conversation on a much more positive note and I felt better. I hope she did, too.

Our attacks are rarely about the outside circumstances. They are about us. If we are mindful of the times when we send out negative thoughts and words, we can counter with four times of sending out positive thoughts and words. Inner harmony will be restored and we will be a lot happier.

And of course, we don’t have to wait for a negative expression to trigger the positive ones. We can build up a reservoir of good energy by looking for opportunities to think or say something good. Maybe you could have a compliment contest in your family. Or just aim for your personal best every day.

Joel Osteen once preached about “speaking the blessing.” He meant that we could give a blessing to someone else with the words we use, but when we offer kind words to others, I think we bless ourselves as well.