Thursday, January 12, 2012

Compliment Ratio

I took my three month old grandson to the store yesterday. He was not happy in the cart, so I ended up carrying him in one arm. No problem till I got to the bulk foods and needed two hands. I went to the customer service desk and asked for help. A lovely young woman named Emily went with me right away and helped me get what I needed.

Then, when I was checking out, she noticed me in the line and came over to bag my groceries and insisted on carrying them out to the car. When I tried to thank her, she brushed it off, saying she was happy to be outside. She was so gracious and kind.

When I got home, I called the store and told the manager about her exceptional help. The manager was so pleased and assured me that Emily would get some extra recognition. The manager went on to thank me for calling and said that a $5 gift card would be waiting for me at the counter on my next visit. Wow, I didn’t see that coming.

I read recently that a 4:1 rule applies to successful relationships. For every negative interaction, there should be four positive ones. I got to thinking that the same ratio could apply to all our interactions. If we complain about something, we could balance that with four positive statements. We could balance every criticism with four compliments. Every expression of irritation or anger could be outweighed with four expressions of love and appreciation.

In my recent post, Embrace the Tiger, I acknowledged the cranky mood I was in at the time. I did lash out with criticism in several different situations. Whether or not the criticism was warranted, the fact was that I didn’t feel good about how I expressed it. My frustration was not relieved. What a contrast to how I felt after I called the manager about Emily. I felt terrific.

Today I called one of the people I lashed out at the other day. I apologized for how I had handled my frustration. I explained more objectively what I thought needed correction, and I put that in the context of the overall great job I thought this person did. We ended that conversation on a much more positive note and I felt better. I hope she did, too.

Our attacks are rarely about the outside circumstances. They are about us. If we are mindful of the times when we send out negative thoughts and words, we can counter with four times of sending out positive thoughts and words. Inner harmony will be restored and we will be a lot happier.

And of course, we don’t have to wait for a negative expression to trigger the positive ones. We can build up a reservoir of good energy by looking for opportunities to think or say something good. Maybe you could have a compliment contest in your family. Or just aim for your personal best every day.

Joel Osteen once preached about “speaking the blessing.” He meant that we could give a blessing to someone else with the words we use, but when we offer kind words to others, I think we bless ourselves as well.

18 comments:

  1. So true. I like your 4:1 ration -- my usual thought is that 2:1 is good. I'll work on that -- thanks!

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  2. Galen: You have a great life plan: I missed the original Tiger post, which is probably a good thing. I just read it. Purr.

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  3. I'm pretty good about positive comments. I have a young neighbor who is, too, and I feel WONDERFUL when I hear them coming from here, so I'm assuming other people feel that way when they hear them from me.

    I hope.

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  4. I couldn't agree more Galen, when I send out positive energies and compliment others, or try to help others, it comes back 100 fold. I call it the cycle of positive energy, what goes around comes around.

    Have a fantastic weekend!

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  5. Hi Galen,

    That was a lovely story about Emily and her helpfulness. If only everyone were so helpful.

    The 4:1 rule does make perfect sense for successful relationships. Every time someone does me a good turn, I want to do them a good turn in return. And when they do me 4 good turns despite a negative interaction, I would feel pretty bad. If only this were practiced at a global level, things would be different won't it? Instead, countries practices tit for tat and make other countries nervous.

    It would be a good idea to build up a reservoir of good energy and good will around us. This will not only make others happy but benefit us in ways we could never imagine.

    Thank you for sharing this lovely article!

    Irving the Vizier

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  6. Angelle--2:1 is certainly better than 1:1 or 0:1! I don't know the basis for the relationship study that concluded 4:1 is the magic ratio for successful relationships. However, a negative interaction can be very damaging and powerfully hurtful, so maybe it takes 4 positive interactions to overcome it and keep the balance on the positive side. Thanks for your comment.

    JJ--Yes, just as well you missed it. It wasn't pretty. I was not in my happy place! But I'm back in it now. Thanks for commenting.

    Linda--People who are positive, like your neighbor and yourself, are a pleasure to be around. Our positive words and actions are contagious. Thanks for your comment.

    darlin--The cycle of positive energy. That is exactly what it is. Every positive thing we do increases it. Thanks for your comment. Hope you have a good weekend, too.

    Irving--So true. This 4:1 principle could be practiced at all levels with global effects. Thanks for commenting.

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  7. I love that ratio...it is important to bless others with our words when we can. And it's a bonus when those words bless us back!

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    1. Look at this--I can now reply directly to your comment! Right now I'm blessing Blogger for adding this feature! Thanks for commenting.

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  8. FYI, (from your last post) I tried to leave a comment on this post using IE and it locked up. So, now I am on Chrome and no issues.

    Customer help like Emily are a joy to encounter. Like you, I will contact a manager if someone is particularly helpful or pleasant. Too often managers only hear the complaints.

    At the same time, I would bet there are more people like Emily but they haven't been encouraged or thanked. It is hard to keep a scowl on your face if someone is being genuinely pleasant. If we all followed your ratio we might find 4 times as many Emily's every day.

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    1. Bob, I think IE has some glitches with the new Blogger comment format. I think this is great that we can now reply directly to comments. You are right that we can encourage more "Emilys" in the world by our own behavior. That begins with a smile. Thanks for your comment.

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  9. Galen - I've found too that most times when I approach people with a positive attitude they respond positively too. I was so inspired about how you called and apologized to someone for being a 'tiger'. I need to do that too, more often. Love ya!

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    1. Corinne, I do try to fess up when I mess up! Love ya back!

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  10. What a timely post Galen. I have been feeling so cranky within myself lately and I know that it is apparent to others through my attitude and negativity. Your thoughts and words have inspired me to commit to speaking positive kind words even if I am not feeling it on the inside. I will give this a try and somehow I already know that it will help uplift my mood at the same time.!
    Denise

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    1. Denise, I love the AA phrase about fake it till you make it. It really does work. Thanks for commenting.

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  11. 4:1 ration is a great idea...I think it would be good to calculate over a whole week...so this would wrap around the cranky day and the help at the store event.

    I am having an overwhelming day and my computer is still not working correctly so I am so worried about getting Wise Ears up and running for the new year....I decided I would just forewarn my partner, so he could enjoy the snowy day and not keep asking me for things he needed.

    Maybe this is a forward way to be positive...like stand clear!
    Maybe I was just hoping he would fix dinner :)

    When I hear a young girl say something negative about her self or her body...I always reply...now you need to say 10 things you like about yourself.

    I sent your tech ? on to IT Girl, you may already have it sorted but I will see what she says too :)

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    1. Patricia, I hear you! Computer issues--aarrggh! Belly breathe! Thanks for helping with the tech issue. For now I'm ignoring it by using Google Chrome or Firefox.

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  12. Hi Galen,

    I've heard of the 4:1 ration before and your post is a wonderful reminder. We get busy in our life and it is helpful to remember how important compliments can be. I'm not usually cranky with other people, but I also know that I need to hand out those compliments a little more often. I think many of us are in the middle ground. Your point is well taken. When we do reach out and compliment or help someone out it makes us feel good and we are just sending more positive vibes out into the world.

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    1. Cathy, It takes so little effort to say something nice, but I often let opportunities just slip right past me. This ratio is a good reminder to myself. And really, I'm not often cranky with others, either, so when I am, I'm very aware of it and I try to redirect that energy right away. Thanks for commenting.

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