Thanks for the Advice

Y’all are great! I so appreciate the time you took to share your blog posting/reading/commenting ideas with me. Your wealth of experience, expertise, and wisdom will help me create some needed structure around what has been, up till now, a rather fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants approach. And you have inspired me to learn a new thing–Google Reader! If you have any other thoughts, I’m always interested. Thank again for your tremendously helpful response.

Request for Advice

I don’t usually blog about blogging, but I could use some advice. I know this is a topic that makes the rounds every now and then, but here it is again. The specific topic is reading and commenting on other blogs, but in a broader sense, it is a time management issue.

Many bloggers at some point start to feel like their blogs are more like The Blob (remember that old horror movie?). We start to spend so much time blogging about living that we forget to actually live our lives. We try to post on a regular basis, and we read and comment on other blogs, both because we like those blogs and because we want to attract more readers.

I post 2-3 times a week. I don’t find that very burdensome. I can always think of something to write about, and my posts are relatively short. Occasionally, I rework older posts. (I blogged for a long time before I started getting many readers, so the older posts are new to most readers.)

For me, the challenge I’m starting to experience is reading and commenting on other blogs. Don’t get me wrong–I really like the blogs I read and comment on. That’s why I do it, and I think it is appreciated the same way I appreciate comments on mine. But it takes some time. Lately, I haven’t been keeping up very well, and I haven’t spent much time at all exploring new blogs, something I enjoyed in the past, both because I learned new things and (honestly) because I hoped to attract new readers.

This is so ironic because I just retired and I envisioned having more time to tend to my blog, to pay more attention to my usual round of other blogs, and to make new connections. And of course, to spend more time doing other things unrelated to blogging. And maybe that will happen. Retirement is, after all, still a new state for me, and I haven’t really adjusted, but so far blog related activities seem to be getting put on the back burner. But I know bloggers, or at least I think I do, who are much, much busier than I am and who still manage to “get around” in blogworld a lot more than I do.

So I am hoping that you will share some of your blogging/reading/commenting practices. Do you set aside a certain amount of time, or certain days, or a certain number of blogs to read on a regular basis? Do you plan time to look for new connections and do you have a particular method, or do you just browse around when the mood hits? In general, how do you manage your blog-related time?

I’m looking forward to hearing from you and I appreciate any advice you have. Thank you.

Spinning Straw into Gold

Just as the miller’s daughter in Rumpelstiltskin was called upon to spin straw into gold, we often have opportunities to turn a judging thought into a kind thought. While I was on vacation last summer, I found myself in a warm climate surrounded by several thousand people in bathing suits. I confess I often reacted with less than charitable thoughts.

“You should not be wearing that bikini, girlfriend.”

“That Speedo is not doing you any favors, bro.”

After a couple of days, I realized that I was poisoning my own spirit with these thoughts. All those folks were soaking up sunshine and having a great time without any regard to my opinion, and rightfully so. I decided that every time I had a judgmental thought I would turn it into something positive.

(To bikini girl) “That’s a great color on you.”

(To Speedo guy) “I admire your self-confidence.”

Everyone continued enjoying their vacation in blissful ignorance of my alchemical feats. And my mood improved so much that I started passing out silent compliments instead of judgmental thoughts at every opportunity.

“Love your accent.”

“Nice smile.”

“Great job.”

It seemed that everywhere I looked, there was something or someone to send a pleasant thought to. Not only did my thoughts change, but my whole outlook changed, like straw into gold. I found myself humming a familiar tune.

You’ve got to accentuate the positive
Eliminate the negative
And latch on to the affirmative
Don’t mess with Mister In-Between.
–Johnny Mercer

revised from archives

Another's Moccasins

Don’t judge someone until you walk a mile in his moccasins.

Many of us have heard some version of this Native American proverb. I recently read on someone’s blog about an incident that is familiar to most of us. Have you ever been annoyed in a store or restaurant or on a plane by a child misbehaving? What was your reaction? We might think that the child is a brat, that the mother is a bad mother, that kids these days are not taught good manners, that the civilized world is going down the toilet.

More times than not, when my son James was growing up, I was the mother with the misbehaving child. James was a beautiful little boy (everyone said so!). When you looked at him, you could not tell that he was autistic. But his behavior often left something to be desired. He would not look you in the eye. He liked to make animal noises. He had a low tolerance for certain stimuli, such as an amplified voice, crowds, being touched. He did not like a change in plans, or a disappointed expectation. Of course, many kids and even adults share some of these traits. But for James, something he did not like could cause a total meltdown, with screaming and crying. Once his anxiety began to escalate, it was very difficult to avoid a tantrum, and once triggered, the tantrum wrecked the rest of the day.

Taking him anywhere was always stressful. I had to think about where we were going and what might happen there. I had to be careful about what I told him, so that I didn’t set up an expectation that might get disappointed. I was his minesweeper, going before him to discover and avoid places and scenarios that I knew would cause an explosion.

Trying to engage in normal activities, like going to the grocery store, often left me drained and in despair. More times than I can remember, as James began to whine and ramp up, I could see eyes darting my way, lips pursing, eyebrows frowning, heads shaking. I wanted to scream, “He’s autistic! I’m doing the best I can. I just need to get something for dinner.”

Once I took him to McDonald’s for a Happy Meal. After he ate, he wanted to play in the plastic ball pit. He got in and started jumping around. He was having a great time. Then a little girl got in, too. James was ignoring her, but he was making his animal sounds and the little girl got nervous. (Who could blame her?) I was trying to coax James back to the entrance to leave, but he was at the far side. The little girl’s dad looked quizzically at James and then began to scowl. “Your son should not be in there if you can’t control him.” I went home and cried.

I am not denying that there are bratty kids out there, or bad moms. And I’m not denying that James had his bratty moments, or that I had my bad mom moments (more than I care to remember). My point is that we don’t always know what is going on in someone else’s life. Perhaps the mother who appears to be ignoring her misbehaving child is overwhelmed. Perhaps the child has OCD or autism or something else that affects her behavior.

Rushing to judgment blocks our ability to feel and express compassion. When I was in a position to explain what was going on with James, I found people to be universally kind and supportive. Now that James is grown, his disability is immediately apparent and people are quick to be friendly. When we have information, we often put our best foot forward. When we don’t have information, perhaps we could put that same foot in the other person’s moccasin.

The Perfection of Imperfection

We all have made mistakes that we remember with embarrassment and even shame. Rabbi Kushner, in his book How Good Do We Have To Be?, says that making mistakes is not remarkable. What is remarkable is how vivid our memories of these mistakes can be and how these memories can still trigger such intense emotion. He gives the example of missing a word in a spelling bee. He still remembers the word and how he misspelled it. I can relate. I misspelled “parade” in the fourth grade spelling bee. I spelled it “prade.” I can’t remember whether I already gave the dog her medicine today, but I can remember how I misspelled a word half a century ago. And I’m still embarrassed about it.

I can look back over my parenting years and quickly call to mind several incidents from years ago that to this day make me cringe. My chest feels tight and I want to crawl in a hole. I pray that my children will not recall these things during their future therapy sessions which I’m sure they will need as a result of my failings.

The memories of mistakes come unbidden and still have the power to hurt. I have to use my brain to rationally remind myself that I managed to spell enough words correctly to represent my class in the spelling bee. I have to remind myself that all five of my children have within recent memory spoken lovely words of appreciation to me, rather than “Hey, Mom, remember when you ...?”

A Course in Miracles teaches us that perception is a mirror, not a fact. What we perceive is our state of mind, reflected outward. Rabbi Kushner says that when we define ourselves by our worst moments instead of our best, we see ourselves as never good enough rather than as good, capable people who make occasional mistakes like everybody else.

In her book Taking the Leap, Pema Chodron encourages us to change our habits of perception. In every day, for example, there are moments that are not perfect as well as moments that please us. Instead of labeling the day as bleak, we can cherish the moments of joy. Gradually, we can appreciate our lives as they are, with all the ups and downs. And we can appreciate ourselves as we are, with all our imperfections.

As quoted by Rabbi Kusher, “Imperfection is the wound that lets God in.” Or more simply, “I’m not okay, and you’re not okay, but that’s okay.” It’s better than okay. It’s perfect.

revised from archives

Complaint Free Challenge

“Oh man, I am sick of this rain.” “I didn’t sleep at all last night.” “I ate too much.” “What is wrong with my team?” “I can’t believe I have to work late again.” “That movie was a waste of money.”

One of the most common ways we judge is by complaining. Several times this week, I caught myself complaining when someone asked me how I was, or how my week was going. Why did I do that? Like many people, I often complain as a way of connecting with someone. For example, a common complaint in my area during this cool, rainy spring, is about the weather. Why do we often try to connect with each other by sharing our annoyances rather than by sharing our joys?

Complaining is a habit. It keeps us from our happy place by focusing on negatives. It invites others to join us in this negative place. We can change this habit. Will Bowen started a program called A Complaint Free World. Based on studies showing that it takes about 21 days to form a new habit, he encouraged his church congregation to replace the habit of complaining with the habit of being positive. Everyone wore a purple plastic bracelet as a visual reminder. Each time a person caught herself complaining, she would switch the bracelet to the other wrist. The goal was to go 21 days without complaining. (I would be happy to go 21 minutes!)

To change a habit, we must first be aware of it. Try to notice your complaint habits and their effect. When do you tend to complain? To whom? About what? How do you feel when you’re complaining? How do other people respond?

Once we become aware of our complaint habits, we need to substitute a more desirable habit. If you want a toddler to hand over some inappropriate but coveted object, what is the best approach? Yank it from his hand? Or offer him something more attractive? Our minds work the same way. If you simply try to stop the bad habit, it will flow back in to fill the void. Give your brain something better to do. Create a new habit.

When you catch yourself complaining, substitute a positive thought or comment. With practice, you will catch yourself just before you complain, and you can connect with others through positive comments instead. You will feel happier yourself, and you will lift up those around you. Misery might love company, but joy creates company. Good company. Martin Luther King, Jr., inspired millions by describing his dream rather than by describing his pain. You can practice by thinking of common complaints and substituting positive comments. For example, instead of complaining about the rain, I could focus on the lush, green vegetation and the rainbow of flowers it produces. Or you can use a generic positive thought, like “Life is good.”

I took the complaint free challenge a couple of years ago, and I enjoyed the positive effects. I admit I never made it to 21 days, but I did significantly reduce my complaining ways, and developed a habit of positive thinking and interaction with others. Unfortunately, I have relapsed, perhaps not back to chronic complaining, but at least to more frequent complaining.

So I’m ready to take the challenge again. If you want to try it with me, find a visual reminder, something you can switch easily from wrist to wrist. When you catch yourself complaining, substitute a positive thought or comment, and move your visual reminder to the other wrist. You will not catch all your complaints, at least not at the beginning. And, if you are like most people, you’ll be switching your visual reminder frequently, at least for awhile.

This is not an invitation to find fault with yourself. If you catch yourself complaining and then criticize yourself for the lapse, that is two complaints! Give yourself a thumbs up for every complaint free period you have, however brief it is. When a nun complained to Father Keating that during her time of contemplative prayer, she had to refocus her wandering thoughts a thousand times, he opened his arms wide and exclaimed, “That’s wonderful! That is a thousand times you were connected to God!” Likewise, every complaint free period is a time spent being happier.

Maybe you can try it with your whole family, or with a group of friends. Relax and have fun. Remember – fun is good!

Here Comes the Judge

Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged. –Matthew 7:1-2

That’s harsh. When I was five, I got my first diary. I ran across it awhile back when I was cleaning out the attic. My first diary entries went something like this.

January 1 – Carolyn is good.
January 2 – David is good.
January 3 – Donny is not good.
January 4 – Mary is good.
January 5 – Becky is not good.

Wow. I must not have been reading my Bible! Next time a five year old gives you an appraising glance, be very afraid.

A Course in Miracles teaches that any separation from any other person is a separation from God. (When I say God I mean God in whatever sense is meaningful to you.) How do we separate ourselves from people? By judging, criticizing, hating, fearing, labeling, dismissing, stereotyping, condemning. By seeing them as “other.”

So ponder that for a moment. Every time you separate yourself from another person with a judging thought, word, or action, you are separating yourself from God. Every time.

On the other hand, it is very hard not to see as separate that person who was really rude in the checkout line at the grocery store. Or the homeless person reeking of booze asking you for money. Or the CEO of a bailed out company pocketing a gazillion dollar bonus. Or your ex.

Yet many faiths and psychological theories stand firm on the foundation that our ticket to our happy place is our connection with others. Which brings us to the good news. Every time we open our hearts and connect with another person, we connect to God. Every time.

So that gives me pause, at least occasionally, when I am poised to cast that first stone. Is it worth separating myself from God? Is it really?

This month we will be focusing on Step 6–Judge not. We’ll be exploring all the ways that we judge things and people and ourselves. We’ll try to break that habit and set the stage for the next two steps, practicing compassion and forgiving everyone. As you can guess, all three of these are interrelated, so a discussion of one often includes the others.

PS–If you grew up in the United States in my generation, you might recognize the title of this post from the TV show Laugh In.

Related post: There is No Them