Surprise Blessing

A few minutes ago, my phone rang. The caller asked for someone who lived in my house many years ago. I happened to have that person’s current number. After reassuring myself that the caller was someone that my former housemate would want to hear from, I shared the current number.

The caller repeated the number back to me, and then said, “Thank you. You are a wonderful human being.”

I laughed in surprised delight. I felt an energy, generous and loving, wash over me. “Thank you,” I replied. “You are a wonderful human being, too.”

I didn’t know this person, but I’m sure that what I said to him was true. He could have just said thank you, but he offered me a gift of blessing, a blessing to a stranger.

Wouldn’t it be great if we took simple encounters with people and turned them into blessings?! I’m going to try it.

I’ll start with you. Thank you for being here. You are a wonderful human being.

related post: Make Someone's Day

God in Drag?

Treat everyone you meet like God in drag. ~Ram Dass

I laughed out loud when I saw this quotation yesterday. And it reminded me of an incident that happened to me several years ago.

I was walking my dog in our neighborhood. As I strolled by one house, a woman working in her yard stopped me to admire Sadie. As she was bent over rubbing Sadie’s ears and talking doggie talk to her, a homeless man walked by pushing his rickety grocery cart piled full of who knows what. The woman jerked up suddenly and bolted for her door, calling back over her shoulder to me, “That man might be Jesus! I have to go fix him a sandwich!”

I was dumbfounded. I waited a moment for the candid camera folks to leap out of the bushes. Then I moved off in the opposite direction, marveling at the bizarre kookiness of people. But before I turned the corner, I paused and looked back at the hunched shoulders of the man shuffling off down the street, oblivious to the commotion his passing had provoked.

I guess the joke was on me after all, because I have never looked at people the same way since. Or maybe I should say I have never overlooked people the same way since. Everybody became real to me that day, imbued with divine identity. I notice people now – in the grocery store, in other cars, on the street, in the news. They all have lives. Just like me.  They want the same things I want – to be happy and free from suffering.  I’m quicker to smile, to nod a greeting, to send a silent blessing.

Even people who irritate me. Maybe especially people who irritate me. It’s a challenge to see the divinity in the person who cuts me off in traffic, who is rude on the phone. Sometimes I need a little help, so I tell myself, There goes a child of God, cleverly disguised as a jerk [or whatever term seems appropriate]. Irritation melts into, if not compassion, at least amusement.

My Sadie is gone now, and I miss her. But I still walk in the neighborhood, and when I pass that woman’s house, I think about our earlier encounter. Maybe that woman was Jesus. Maybe we all are.

Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for thereby some have entertained angels unawares. ~Hebrews 13:2

related posts: A Few Leaves; The Kindness Game

Quick and Easy Joy Habits

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. ~Marianne Williamson

Thanks to Vidya Sury and to Elle for reminding me of quick and easy joy habits we can incorporate into our daily lives without any fuss and bother. These habits will not add any burden to your busy schedule. You don’t have to practice them to get good at them – we all start out as experts!

Here are theirs, with a couple of my own thrown in.

1. Compliment someone. Someone once leaned over to me in a meeting and told me that I have a beautiful smile. It made my day. Heck, it made my week. And guess what – now I smile a LOT!

2.  Smile at someone. See the smooth segue from the last one? The physical act of smiling sends messages to our brains that we are happy. And smiling is contagious.

3.  Belly breathe. Just as smiling tells our brains that we are happy, belly breathing (breathing deeply into your abdomen) tells our brains that we are safe. It interrupts the chronic stress cycle that shallow chest breathing creates, and helps us relax and be present.

4.  Thank someone. Thanking anyone is great. Thanking someone we often overlook is even greater. Thank someone in your family. Thank a person who serves you or helps you in some way – a cashier, a first responder, a receptionist, a sanitation worker, a restaurant server, a courtesy clerk. So many opportunities throughout the day to express our appreciation.

5.  Encourage someone. Let someone know with a few words that you believe in them, support them, are proud of them. Many of us remember decades later a teacher or a neighbor or an older relative who said something encouraging to us when were young. A few words can have lasting impact on someone of any age.

Like I said, easy and quick.

And for your entertainment, enjoy this video that someone sent me awhile back. I can’t remember who it was now, but if it was you, please let me know in a comment. And no matter who it was, thank you!

related posts: Breathing Like a Baby; Make Someone’s Day

Witness to a Random Act of Kindness

Carry out a random act of kindness, with no expectation of reward, safe in the knowledge that one day someone might do the same for you. ~Princess Diana

This morning I was on my way to an appointment amidst busy traffic as people hurried to work. All of a sudden cars ahead of me stopped.

I saw that a pick up truck driver was trying to back a U-Haul trailer into a narrow driveway. He was not very skilled, and even with a helper standing behind the trailer giving him directions, he still had trouble negotiating the intricate maneuvers of going in reverse with a trailer. He would back up a bit, the trailer would angle too wide, he would pull forward and try again. With each try, he got a few feet further.

Meanwhile, the double lane of cars stacked behind me continued to lengthen. There must have been at least forty cars at a standstill. Those of us close enough could see the harried and embarrassed look on the driver’s face as he tried again and again to get that darn trailer to back straight in.

We were stopped for several minutes and yet not one driver honked. All around me, I felt the patience and compassion of the other drivers, or at least the amused tolerance. Finally, the driver managed to back in far enough to clear the street. The trailer was still angled awkwardly, but it would have to do. As cars started forward, he waved apologetically. Many of us waved back.

Have you witnessed a random act of kindness lately?

related posts: A Few Leaves; Mi Casa Es Su Casa; The Kindness of Strangers

Being a Blessing

I will bless you..., and you will be a blessing. ~Genesis 12:2

When my kids were growing up, they all had chores. Even my sons had chores; autism was no excuse not to share in the responsibility for the family. Besides, as a single mom with five kids, this wasn’t just a matter of character building; it was a matter of necessity. The chores got done, but not always well, and not always with a good attitude.

One day we returned from the grocery store with a carload of groceries. I pulled into the driveway, got out of the car, and began to walk into the house. The kids opened the back of the car and started carrying bags. My daughter called to me, “Aren’t you going to help carry?”

“No,” I replied. “That’s your job.”

“What’s your job?” she retorted.

“My job is to go to work, so that we have money to buy the groceries. Your job is to carry them into the house and put them away.” She snorted her protest but said nothing else as she joined her siblings in the task.

A few days ago, this same daughter took time out of her busy work and parenting schedule to come over to my house on her own initiative and help me clean. She knew that my back was bothering me. When I tried to help, she told me to relax; she would do it all. Even so, I did the light cleaning so that we could get it done more quickly. As we worked, we chatted and enjoyed each other’s company.

When we were done, I surveyed my sparkling house and reflected on the pleasant time we spent together. I thanked her, not only for her assistance, but also for her gracious attitude. She responded matter-of-factly with a smile, “You do so much for me. I’m happy to do something for you.”

And that, of course, meant more to me than all the clean counters and vacuumed floors. She is indeed a blessing.

Life is short, and we have but little time to gladden the hearts of those who travel this way with us. Oh, be swift to love. Make haste to be kind. ~Henri-Frederic Amiel

related posts: Speaking the Blessing; The Kindness Game

Angels Among Us

All God's angels come to us disguised.  ~James Russell Lowell

Someone near and dear to me was in a car accident a few days ago. Thankfully, no one was hurt, but there was significant damage to both cars. The woman who was driving the car my young friend hit was so incredibly gracious that when he told me this story, I thought that she must be an angel.

The accident was clearly my friend’s fault, as he immediately acknowledged. The driver of the other car, who was on her way to work, could justifiably have been annoyed and even angry. Many of us, after being surprised and shaken by such an accident, might have reacted with fear and blame. At the least, she was greatly inconvenienced by being late to work, and then having to deal with getting her car repaired.

But instead, she reacted with compassion and reassurance to my friend, who was shaken himself and desperately apologetic. She even hugged him after they exchanged information and before they parted.

Would I have such composure and grace in that situation? I’d like to think so. She has modeled for me the way I would want to act.

Accidents happen. I’m sure my friend will be an even more careful driver now. But the biggest lesson, I think, is about how we treat each other. The other driver taught us all that no matter the circumstances, we always have a choice about how we react. Her generous spirit will shine on in our lives for a long time to come.

You never know when you are going to meet an angel. I feel blessed.

Life is short, and we have little time to gladden the hearts of those who travel with us. Oh be swift to love. Make haste to be kind. ~Henri Frederic Amiel

related posts: A Shining Moment in the Darkness; The Kindness of Strangers

The Only Gold Medals That Matter

I saw this video a couple of days ago and I’m still marveling over it. In the video, an able-bodied middle school wrestler is in a match with another student who has cerebral palsy. Watch this short video to see what happens.


Click here to watch video.


This represents the best of sports, and is what I wanted my kids to learn by participating in sports when they were growing up. I think one of these wrestlers deserves a gold medal for courage and the other one deserves a gold medal for compassion.

On the Razor's Edge

Sometimes the darkest challenges, the most difficult lessons, hold the greatest gems of light.  –Barbara Marciniak

As the year comes to a close, with all its attendant reflections, the image of 2012 that keeps coming to my mind is the razor’s edge. It is not a place of comfort. It’s not a good place to take a nap. When we are there, we usually want to be somewhere else. Anywhere else. Instead, we find ourselves face to face with fear...and opportunity.

This is where we practice, where we have an opportunity to grow, to deepen, to awaken. When things are as we wish, we can relax and enjoy. But when challenges arise, we must respond. Walking on the razor’s edge requires alertness, balance, openness, care, courage.

Seems like I have spent a significant amount of time this year on the razor’s edge. Fears that I thought were long laid to rest have burbled up from the abyss. Circumstances have thrown me into familiar dilemmas, challenging me to choose, over and over, whether to react with anger, anxiety, and futile efforts to control, or to breathe myself open, to wait, to offer compassion, to have faith.

Where, in the past, I often chose fear, life has been gently saying to me this year, “Choose again.” And for the most part, I have chosen differently. It’s hard sometimes. That’s why we speak in terms of practicing kindness, practicing compassion, practicing forgiveness.

2012 has given my plenty of opportunities to practice all of these. Although I have had a few whiny “why me” moments, I find myself reflecting on the year with profound gratitude, a humble confidence, a sustaining faith, and a peace that indeed passes all understanding.

Is there an image or phrase that captures the essence of 2012 for you?

related posts: Embrace the Tiger; The Dance of Fear

Help Someone

If you’re feeling helpless, help someone.  –Aung San Suu Kyi

I was still hurting over the shooting in the mall here in Portland when I heard the heart rending news of the shooting in Connecticut. And the stabbing of so many children in China. I just sat down and cried. So many people who are in such pain and so full of rage, so alienated and hopeless, so lost in their minds and their souls. They cry out in violence, cutting down innocent children and adults.

There is no sense to make of this. How do we respond? In fear? I read that gun sales are way up. One legislator proposed arming teachers. Would I want my child sitting in first grade with a teacher who is packing heat? Are we moving towards a society in which we pocket our cell phone, pick up our keys, and strap on our weapon as we leave the house to run to the grocery store or drive the car pool to soccer practice?

Do we really think that arming everyone will stop violence? Buddha taught that “hatred never ceases by hatred, but my love alone is healed.” Hate is born of fear. And fear is born of a mistaken belief that we are separate from each other. But we are not. And that simple truth is where any healing begins.

Yet what can I do? I remembered the above quotation this morning. Helpless. Yes, that is what I feel in the face of such random, unimaginable killing. Helpless to protect my children and grandchildren. Helpless to protect any children, for all children are my children. And yours. Yes, I’m feeling helpless. Are you?

Aung San Suu Kyi counsels us, then, to help someone. What can we do? If this violence is perpetrated by people who feel so dissociated from their humanity, perhaps the response is to affirm our shared humanity.

Years ago, a phone company introduced an ad campaign with the slogan, “Reach out and touch someone.” Touch. An affirmation that we exist, that we are connected. So what if we all touched someone? Call an estranged friend. Visit a homebound senior. Thank a first responder. Praise a child. Write a thank you note to a teacher. Help a neighbor. Shake the hand of a veteran. Smile at a stranger. Listen to someone.

We are not helpless. We need not fear. We have the only thing that will ever counter violence. Open hearts.

Fear not, for I have redeemed you
I have called you by name, you are mine
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you
And through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you
When you walk through fire you will not be burned
And the flame will not consume you.
–Isaiah 43:1-2

related post: From the Ashes; Calling for Love

A Shining Moment in the Darkness

This time of year, the weather in Portland is often dark and rainy, like today.  The clouds hang low, drivers turn on their headlights in the middle of the day, people buy full spectrum light boxes to chase away winter doldrums.

This morning I was driving in the inside lane of a four lane street.  A big red commercial van was slightly ahead on my right in the curb lane.  The light was green as we approached an intersection.  A pickup truck suddenly turned right from the other street just in front of the van.  (Right turns on red are permitted here when safe.)  I hit my brakes as the van swerved into my lane and around the truck to avoid plowing into the truck.  The accident was averted, and the van and I proceeded with the truck falling in behind me.

As we approached the next intersection, I pulled alongside the van.  The driver was waving at me.  The light turned yellow and we both stopped.  I rolled down my window, and thinking he had mistaken me for the careless driver, I smiled and called out, “It wasn’t me!”

He replied, “I know.  I just wanted to thank you for slowing down so that I could go into your lane.”  I told him he had done a good job of avoiding the accident and I was glad he was all right.  As we conversed, I noticed for the first time the company information on his van.  It was a lighting company, advertising various types of lighting they installed. We both cautioned each other to drive safely and went on with our mornings.

As I headed on home, I thought about how he brings light into the darkness for a living.  How interesting.  And also, he brought light into my dark morning.  When I rolled down my window, he could have gone off about crazy drivers and so on.  We were both rattled by the incident.  But instead, he took the opportunity to thank me for helping him avoid the accident, and we wished each other safe travels.  I know I was more alert as I drove home.  And also happier because of our brief connection.

My word for the year this year is Shine.  As the days shorten and the gray settles in, it seems to me that this is an excellent word for me to focus on in the remaining weeks of this year.  I hope that, like this driver, I can bring light into the darkness, of my own life and the lives of others.  I hope that my light shines brightly, reminding me that the light is always present and that we all enter the light together. 

Has someone brought light into a dark place for you lately?

related posts:  What Are You Writing in Your Book?; The Kindness of Strangers

A Soft Word

A soft word turns away wrath.... –Proverbs 15:1

My daughter called me the other day, all upset because someone had been rude to her on the phone. She was going to have to talk to this woman again to get some information, and Mia was already agitated and defensive about the prospect. I would like to say that I imparted some great wisdom to her, but I was in a hurry and sort of brushed her off.

Later when I came home, Mia was chatting amicably on the phone. After she hung up, she told me that she was talking to the woman who had been so rude earlier.

Please click here to read the rest of this post at Vidya's most excellent blog, Going A-Musing.

related post: Speak Wisely

Pinocchio's Wish

A boy went to a restaurant with his parents. When the server asked him what he wanted, he ordered a hot dog and a soda. His mother quickly said, “Oh, no, he’ll have the skinless chicken breast with vegetables.” His dad added, “And milk instead of soda.” The boy looked crestfallen. The server paused, then turned to the boy. “Would you like relish on your hot dog?” she asked. After she left the table, the boy was beaming. “Did you see that?” he exclaimed. “She thinks I’m real!”

When I heard this story, I thought about how often I run roughshod over people’s feelings. Not because I’m mean, but because I’m distracted or in a hurry, or because I think I know better.

The boy’s parents were presumably thinking about their son’s nutritional health when overriding his order. But his response goes beyond physical nutrition to nutrition of the soul. Just like the wooden puppet Pinocchio, who wished to be a real boy, we all want to be recognized as real. We want to be listened to. And valued. And cared about.

That server probably didn’t get a big tip from those parents, but, like the Blue Fairy in Pinocchio, she granted the boy’s wish for something more important than a hot dog.

related post: That Man Might Be Jesus

Queen for a Day

There was a TV show in the US when I was a child (long ago!) called Queen for a Day. It was an early version of reality game shows. Various women would come on the show and tell their sad tales of woe, including what they wanted most, often something like a washing machine or medical help for a sick child. After the stories were told, the audience would clap for their favorite, and one woman would be chosen as the queen based on the level of applause. She was crowned and draped in regal robes, and seated on a throne. Her wishes were granted, and other prizes were awarded.

Although the show, like many of its ilk, was embarrassing and humiliating, the concept was alluring. Here were women often overlooked as they went through their lives of challenge and sacrifice. One of them would be singled out as special and celebrated.

I was witness to such an event in my own life that made a lasting impression. I had an aunt who was special to me, Aunt Bernice (pronounced with the accent on the first syllable – Bur’ness). My mother was the youngest in a large family from the Ozark Mountains in Missouri, and Aunt Bernice took the place of the grandmother who had died before I was born. She gave “down home” all the deep soul meaning the expression has always had for me. Handmade quilts, cut short beans cooking on the stove, the gold spray painted bust of JFK on the wall, the plastic praying hands on a doily on the lamp table. Her speech was full of extra A’s, as in “I’m a-gonna cook up some more cut short beans.”

Aunt Bernice was no one famous or powerful. She spent her days tending to her family. I adored her.

My friend Tom and I took her out to lunch one day. Tom is famous and powerful. A graduate of Harvard Law School, an influential lawyer, a man used to being listened to. But on that day you would not have known it. He treated Aunt Bernice like she was queen for a day. He held her chair, made sure her food was to her liking, asked her about her family, listened attentively to the stories of her childhood, stories I grew up with.

Like this one. As a young girl, Aunt Bernice liked to go down to the creek. One day, she heard someone coming, and hid in the bushes. Along came a boy she knew riding on a mule. He spied her in the bushes and called out to her. She was too embarrassed to reply, so she picked up a rock and threw it at him, striking the mule which then bolted up the creek. She ended up marrying that boy.

Oh, she told it so much better than that. As Tom listened, Aunt Bernice grinned with pleasure, the deep lines in her face crinkling up like brittle paper. And I grinned with pleasure, too, watching her enjoy herself, grateful to my friend for his gallantry and kindness. The way he treated my aunt made a much bigger impression on me than all his elite degrees and prestigious positions. When I commented later on his graciousness, he said that his father taught him that all people deserve our attention and respect, that we should make everyone comfortable in our presence. Wise dad, that one.

Aunt Bernice died just before her 100th birthday, leaving a legacy of children, grandchildren, great grandchildren, and great great grandchildren. I have many treasured memories of her, but that lunch stands out to me. She was queen for a day that day, as she was in my heart every day.

Is there someone in your life who deserves to be queen or king for a day?

related post: Who are Your People?

The Words Do Make a Difference

In my recent guest post on The BridgeMaker, I referred to the common call and response in church when the minister says, “This is the day the Lord has made,” and the congregation responds, “Let us rejoice and be glad in it.” I bemoaned what I perceived as the congregation’s lack of enthusiasm in the often rote, monotone response, instead of what should be, in my thinking, a glorious affirmation of the miraculous gift of each precious day.

Rose Byrd very tactfully took me to task in her gracious comment. “Just saying the words may take a few moments to ‘sink in,’ but I have found over the years that the simple words DO make a difference!” She’s right, of course.

I can immediately think of two examples proving her point.

When my foster daughter Grace joined the family, she and Mia enjoyed only a brief honeymoon period before the fur started flying. Over time, their animosity became so entrenched that their attacks were automatic. They seemed incapable of seeing, let alone respecting, the other person’s perspective. Each saw herself as the victim of the other, on the receiving end of unwarranted meanness, self-righteous in retaliation.

I did everything I knew to do. We processed ourselves silly, went to counseling, discussed to exhaustion. Finally, I realized that getting them to understand the situation was a futile endeavor. Each was dug in too deeply. I decided I didn’t really care anymore if they “got it.” I needed the behavior to change, regardless of their understanding.

So I sat them down at the table and made a proposal based on the only thing I thought might motivate them – money. I promised to pay each of them $1 a day to get along. They had to be affirmatively nice to each other – ignoring each other was not enough. Only I got to decide at the end of the day if they earned the money. And either they both earned it or neither did. They would make money or not as a team.

The next day was a pleasure. They said please and thank you to each other. They offered to help each other with chores. They complimented each other. They were totally insincere, you understand. I didn’t care. Peace was restored.

By the time the novelty wore off after a few weeks, they had broken their habit. Over time I saw that they changed at a deeper level. They became genuinely kind to each other. The words that initially were spoken with thinly veiled contempt became words spoken in true friendship and affection.

Another time, it was I who was entrenched in hostility. I blamed someone for causing me so much stress and anguish that I thought I was going to die of it. I’ll call this person Fred. I blamed Fred for everything that seemed wrong with my life at that time, which was a lot. I hated Fred. I wanted bad things to happen to him. I fantasized about terrible things I’m too ashamed to describe. I felt no mercy. I wanted vengeance.

I repeatedly revisited all the wrongs I thought I had suffered at the hands of Fred, like watching news accounts of some horrible crime or natural disaster over and over. It was an addiction – a habit I couldn’t stop. And like any addiction, it was becoming unmanageable

My brain needed a new habit. Every time I thought about Fred, at the very instant I began to repeat my habitual pattern, I substituted a new thought before the emotions started churning. Before I was hooked. “God bless Fred and please help me mean it.” Let me be clear. I did not mean it. Not for a second. I did not mean the “God bless Fred” part, and sometimes I didn’t even mean the “please help me mean it” part.

Nevertheless, over weeks and months, very slowly, the blame loosened its grip. My heart began to soften. My feelings didn’t boil when thoughts about Fred crossed my mind. The thoughts didn’t come so often. By then, the prayer had become a habit, so that when a thought of Fred popped up, the blessing was automatically triggered. Sometimes I hardly noticed it. And finally one day I said it and gasped in amazement. I really did mean it. I really, truly wished Fred well. It was a miracle.

So my thanks to Rose, who reminded me of the innate power of words.

Let the weak say, “I am strong.” –Joel 3:10

Related posts: Kindness Pays; God Bless That Ol @#&!

The Kindness of Strangers

For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me. –Matthew 25:35

I was reading a news story recently about a passerby who pulled an accident victim from a burning car. That reminded me of a video I saw some months back about a group of people who ran to the aid of a motorcyclist who had been hit by a car and was trapped underneath. The car was on fire. The people actually lifted the car up enough for someone to pull him out from under the car and to safety before the car exploded.

The term “good Samaritan” comes from a story in the Bible about a man who was mugged on the road and left to die. Many people passed by, but then a Samaritan stopped and helped him. He took the man to an inn and paid the innkeeper to nurse him back to health. There are many levels to the story, like the fact that Samaritans were not popular in that area and yet it was a Samaritan who stopped while the victim’s countrymen ignored his plight. The point, though, is that a stranger stopped to help.

I was in a bad car accident once. I was driving on a two lane highway in Arkansas at night. As I approached a curve on the outside, a pickup truck driving too fast in the other direction on the inside lane swung wide into my lane. I veered off to the shoulder, but lost control in the gravel and plunged off the road. My car flipped over down an embankment and ended up upside down. I was on the roof of the car in the dark, disoriented and in shock. I was most concerned for my two dogs. I found them in the rear of the car and managed to climb out one of the doors with them and scramble through the brush back up to the road.

By that time, several cars had stopped and people were coming down the embankment to help me. In a daze, I was aware of people asking me if anyone else was in the car and if I was all right. I felt a twinge in my shoulder and when I reached to touch it realized that my collarbone was smashed. I calmly said I needed a ride to the hospital.

There was some discussion among my rescuers. One young couple was headed in the direction of the nearest hospital. They loaded me and the dogs in their car and off we went. At the hospital, they came in with me. Once they saw I was in good hands, they took my dogs home with them. When friends were able to pick me up hours later, they brought my dogs back to the hospital. (They must have given their phone number to someone at the hospital.) In my shock and by that time drugged state, I didn’t even get their names.

Strangers helping strangers. In dramatic ways and everyday ways. My daughter was walking home from high school one day. She saw a woman who looked lost and distressed. Mia offered to help. The woman clearly had some sort of mental disability and had gotten off at the wrong bus stop. She was able to give Mia her address. It was a long detour for Mia, but Mia walked her all the way home and made sure there was someone there for her. Mia has done many wonderful things in her life, but I count that as one of the things I’m most proud of.

At some point in our lives, we all find ourselves, as Blanche so famously said in A Streetcar Named Desire, dependent on the kindness of strangers. Sometimes, we are that stranger offering kindness to someone else. And in those moments, whether giving or receiving help, we realize something that at other times we so easily forget.

There are no strangers.

Related posts: The Kindness Game, Mi Casa Es Su Casa, A Few Leaves, There is No Them

Compliment Ratio

I took my three month old grandson to the store yesterday. He was not happy in the cart, so I ended up carrying him in one arm. No problem till I got to the bulk foods and needed two hands. I went to the customer service desk and asked for help. A lovely young woman named Emily went with me right away and helped me get what I needed.

Then, when I was checking out, she noticed me in the line and came over to bag my groceries and insisted on carrying them out to the car. When I tried to thank her, she brushed it off, saying she was happy to be outside. She was so gracious and kind.

When I got home, I called the store and told the manager about her exceptional help. The manager was so pleased and assured me that Emily would get some extra recognition. The manager went on to thank me for calling and said that a $5 gift card would be waiting for me at the counter on my next visit. Wow, I didn’t see that coming.

I read recently that a 4:1 rule applies to successful relationships. For every negative interaction, there should be four positive ones. I got to thinking that the same ratio could apply to all our interactions. If we complain about something, we could balance that with four positive statements. We could balance every criticism with four compliments. Every expression of irritation or anger could be outweighed with four expressions of love and appreciation.

In my recent post, Embrace the Tiger, I acknowledged the cranky mood I was in at the time. I did lash out with criticism in several different situations. Whether or not the criticism was warranted, the fact was that I didn’t feel good about how I expressed it. My frustration was not relieved. What a contrast to how I felt after I called the manager about Emily. I felt terrific.

Today I called one of the people I lashed out at the other day. I apologized for how I had handled my frustration. I explained more objectively what I thought needed correction, and I put that in the context of the overall great job I thought this person did. We ended that conversation on a much more positive note and I felt better. I hope she did, too.

Our attacks are rarely about the outside circumstances. They are about us. If we are mindful of the times when we send out negative thoughts and words, we can counter with four times of sending out positive thoughts and words. Inner harmony will be restored and we will be a lot happier.

And of course, we don’t have to wait for a negative expression to trigger the positive ones. We can build up a reservoir of good energy by looking for opportunities to think or say something good. Maybe you could have a compliment contest in your family. Or just aim for your personal best every day.

Joel Osteen once preached about “speaking the blessing.” He meant that we could give a blessing to someone else with the words we use, but when we offer kind words to others, I think we bless ourselves as well.

Mushroom Experience

[Jesus said] For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me. ... Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.
–Matthew 25:35-40

Do you know what the largest living thing on the planet is? It’s not a whale. It’s not a giant redwood tree. It’s a mushroom!

I know, I was surprised, too. No, more than surprised. Amazed! And I was even more than amazed to find out that this humongous mushroom grows in the United States, in Oregon, the state I call home.

When I heard this incredible information, I started scanning the horizon, wondering if I could see in the distance something like a nuclear mushroom cloud that was in fact a mushroom, the mushroom that ate Oregon. But no, you can’t see it. The mushroom fungus grows underground, spreading out along a network of filaments. What we enjoy in our omelets and spaghetti sauce, what we think of as a mushroom, is actually the fruit of the mushroom fungus.

This particular gargantuan fungus covers over 2,200 acres (about 9 square kilometers) in eastern Oregon. I could pick a tiny mushroom in the forest and someone could pick a tiny mushroom 3.5 miles away, and both could be part of the same organism.

The more I’ve learned about this mushroom fungus, the more I’ve thought about people. Perhaps we are like that fungus, appearing to be separate, but all connected below our visual or perceptual range. We talk about oneness at a deep spiritual level. Perhaps we are a single spiritual organism, nestled safely in the dark, fertile soil of the divine, popping up here and there as individual fruits.

Perhaps when Jesus said that our actions to the “least of these” were actions “to him,” he meant exactly what he said. He didn’t say it was “like” or “as if” we were doing things to him. He said that what we do to others we do to him. Perhaps what we do to another we do to all, including ourselves, because we are all one after all.

You might have heard the expression that we are spiritual beings having a human experience. Perhaps we are a fungus having a mushroom experience.

Related posts: That Man Might Be Jesus; It’s Oneness, Beloved

Spiritual Simplicity

The way that can be told is not the eternal Way.
The name that can be named is not the eternal name.
The nameless is the beginning of heaven and earth.
The named is the mother of ten thousand things.
–Tao Te Ching

When people come to the United States, they are often overwhelmed by our mega supermarkets. And the most overwhelming aisle is the cereal aisle. Heck, I grew up here and I get heart palpitations just thinking about it. I did a quick search to see how many kinds of cereal there are. Would you believe that I found a list that named almost 100 ... just under the letter C?!

Simplicity is a buzzword these days....

[Please click here to read the rest of this article at The Bridge Maker]

Paying It Forward

As some of you already know, I have two adult sons with autism who live together in an apartment run by Edwards Center. Edwards Center is an organization serving adults with developmental disabilities. They provide a full range of services including residential, employment, social, and recreational. When I started the 10 Steps program, I pledged whatever money I made from it to Edwards Center. I did this because (1) I think Edwards Center is an amazing organization, and (2) I’m fortunate enough not to depend on the income I generate from teaching and writing about the 10 Steps, so this seemed like a great way to use that money.

Earlier this week, I met with an editor from Indigo Editing and Publications to discuss the book I’m writing based on the 10 Steps. During our conversation, I mentioned my pledge to Edwards Center, because whatever I make from the book will be donated to them. At the end of our two hour session, I got my checkbook out to write her a check for her consulting services. She stopped me before I started writing and asked me to give her consulting fee to Catholic Charities, an organization she supports, so I wrote the check out to them. She was moved to do that because of what I told her about my pledge to Edwards Center.

I thought what she did was very cool, so we decided that we would both tell folks about this idea, hoping that others might be inspired to donate a little something in this fashion to whatever they support. So please spread the word!

Merci

Today ends our month of focusing on Step 5–Make haste to be kind. I’ll close the month by thanking two wonderful bloggers for kindly giving me awards. Katy at Superman Sammy and Beliza at a series of random thoughts have honored me by giving me the Good Bloggers Pay It Forward award.

Accepting the award only requires linking back to the givers, and passing the award on to five other bloggers. Katy added a nice touch which made me all the more pleased to accept the award and pass it on. She asked her recipients to “include a link to an organization, individual, group, or anyone who might benefit from others knowing about their needs.”

So I’ll start with that. Edwards Center is a wonderful organization providing services to adults with developmental disabilities. I hope you will check out their website and see what all they do. There is a short video on the site as well as other descriptions of the services they provide. Out of every dollar donated, ninety cents goes directly to services for clients. Whether you donate or not, I hope you will enjoy learning about this amazing organization.

And now I’m delighted to pass this award on to five blogs I know you will enjoy, if you aren’t already.

From Mountain Tops
My Life for a Year
Getting Unstuck
Crystal Jigsaw
My Grama’s Soul

I hope you have had a good month developing habits of kindness. Here is one of my favorite quotations, and the obvious inspiration for Step 5.

Life is short, and we have but little time to gladden the hearts of those who travel this way with us. Oh, be swift to love. Make haste to be kind. –Henri Frederic Amiel