Remember the 60's

In the last year I have read books entitled Radical Forgiveness, Radical Compassion, and Radical Acceptance. If we practice radical forgiveness, radical compassion, and radical acceptance, I believe we will experience radical joy.

Who Knows if it is Good or Bad?

There once was a poor, old farmer. One day his only horse ran away. His neighbor said, “How unfortunate that your horse ran away. Now you can’t plow your field.” The farmer replied, “Who knows if it is good or bad?” The next day the horse returned, leading twenty wild horses. The neighbor said, “How wonderful! Now you are a rich man.” The farmer replied, “Who knows if it is good or bad?” The next day, his only son broke his leg while trying to tame one of the horses. The neighbor said, “What a tragedy. Now your son is crippled.” The farmer replied, “Who know if it is good or bad?” The next day, the army came to the village and drafted all the young men to fight in a war far away. The farmer’s son was the only one spared.

All the years my son was growing up, I tried every possible treatment for his autism. And I prayed. Oh how I prayed. The Bible said that if my faith was as big as a mustard seed I could move mountains. What kind of lousy faith did I have if I could not make one little boy better?

Then one morning when James was a teenager, I passed the partially open bathroom door as he was brushing his teeth. He was looking in the mirror and making faces and laughing. As I walked by I heard him say with such exuberant enthusiasm, “It’s GREAT to be James!”

Wow. All those years I thought it must be terrible to be James. And all those years he thought being James was terrific.

I guess my faith was as big as a mustard seed after all. I did move a mountain. The mountain was me.

God Bless That Ol' @#&!

Forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. Those raised in the Christian faith know this as part of the Lord’s Prayer. But do you know the verses following the Lord’s Prayer? “For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” Just in case you need it spelled out because you weren’t paying attention when you were praying.

Personally, I don’t think God is that stingy with forgiveness. I believe that we live in a perpetual state of eternal grace. I don’t think we can do anything to earn it or lose it. I believe it is who we are. Everyone. Of any faith or no faith.

My failure to forgive does not change who I am. Nor does it affect whoever it is that I am not forgiving. What it does is block my awareness of grace. I don’t like my awareness of grace blocked. So I try to forgive everyone. Including myself. Sometimes that is hard. Especially if I am stuck in victim mode.

Awhile back I was having a really hard time forgiving someone. I’ll call him Fred. I blamed Fred for, well, everything that seemed wrong with my life at that time, which was a lot. I read books on forgiveness. I did workbooks on forgiveness. But I was stuck. I obsessively revisited all the wrongs I thought I had suffered at the hands of Fred, like watching news accounts of some crime over and over. It was an addiction–I couldn’t stop.

Finally I started saying a prayer every time I thought about him, as soon as I thought of him, before the emotions started churning. God bless Fred and please help me mean it. Let me be clear. I did not mean it. But I had to break the habit of blame. I had to forgive, for my sake. So I prayed this prayer over and over. And over time, very slowly, I began to soften. My feelings didn’t boil when a thought about him crossed my mind. And finally one day I said it and I realized that I really did mean it. It felt like a miracle. It was, I think.

Your Hair is on Fire!

The theme of this blog is changing habits that block our happiness so that we can reset our homepage to our happy place. One requirement of changing habits is motivation. We have to want to change our habits. Many of us are not motivated to change our habits until we are in crisis. For example, a health crisis might motivate us to change our lifestyle habits. But if things are just rolling along in a could-be-better-but-not-so-bad sort of way, the effort required to change our habits sometimes seems too great. It is easy to put it off for another day.

So how can we motivate ourselves? Pema Chodron is an American Buddhist nun who has written extensively on overcoming habitual patterns that block our happiness. She says, “If we really knew how unhappy it was making this whole planet that we all try to avoid pain and seek pleasure–how that is making us so miserable and cutting us off from our basic goodness–then we would practice as if our hair was on fire. There wouldn’t be any question of thinking we have a lot of time and we can do this later.”

Well, I don’t know about you, but the image of my hair being on fire has shaken me out of my complacency more than once. Ironically, this image comes from a chapter entitled Joyful Exertion. The idea is that if we start wherever we are and make whatever effort we are capable of at that moment, the effort will produce energy, and that in turn will encourage us to make more effort. The more we connect with this energy, the more joy we will experience.

So give it a try. Pick one of the practices we have discussed, or any other practice you find helpful, and look for an opportunity to use it today.

Have a joyful day!

(I highly recommend anything Pema Chodron has written, but if you can read only one thing, I recommend Comfortable with Uncertainty.)

From the Ashes

How many Bible verses or stories can you think of that teach us to forgive? What other stories of forgiveness can you call to mind from any source–other faiths, the news, movies, books, poetry, fables? Take a few moments and see how many you can list.

Here is one that made a big impression on me. On October 2, 2006, Charles Carl Roberts IV held ten Amish girls, ranging in age from 6 to 13, hostage in their one room schoolhouse in Nickel Mines, Pennsylvania. He tied them up and made them line up against the wall. There was evidence that he planned to sexually assault them. However, whatever he planned to do to them was thwarted by the quick arrival of state troopers. But the troopers were unable to stop him before he started shooting. The oldest girl, only 13, asked to be shot first, hoping that some extra time might save her friends. He shot her first. Then shot them all, killing five, and finally shot himself.

Imagine. I can’t. But if the crime itself was unfathomable, then even more so was the response of the Amish community. Within hours of the shooting, a grandfather of one of the slain girls was heard admonishing others not to hate the shooter or to think evil of him. They quickly reached out to his family and offered forgiveness and condolences. They attended his funeral and invited his widow to attend the funeral of one of the girls. They invited her and her children to become members of their community.

The accounts of forgiveness flashed around the world. I read everything I could read about it and found sites in many countries marveling at a faith that most of us would believe beyond human capacity. Certainly beyond our own. Beyond my own. I knew I was witnessing a gift. A vision of what is possible.

What would our lives look like if we could forgive like that? What would our communities look like? Our world? What would the Amish response have been to 9/11?

The following year I read a book titled Amish Grace, in which the authors put the community’s response in the context of their faith culture. Many Amish, when questioned, replied with puzzlement, “Amish forgiveness is just Christian forgiveness.” One person, after hesitating a moment, wondered, “Is it different from Christian forgiveness?”

Is it?

Choose Happiness

I read a book last fall called The Passion Test (by Janet and Chris Atwood). I wasn’t keen on reading it because, in some ways, it is like so many other follow-your-bliss-live-your-best-life-the-power-is-within-you books that tell you how to discover your personal mission and live happily ever after. Since I pretty much live my where-I-want-to-be-in-1/3/5/10-years life, I thought the book would have little to offer me. But I read it anyway on the advice of a friend, and I was glad I did.

The book leads you through a series of steps to identify your current top five passions. “Current” because you are encouraged to retake the test from time to time as your life and interests change.

The key is, in making decisions, to choose the option most in alignment with your identified passions. And to trust the process.

Here is what I came up with for myself. When my life is ideal, I am:
1. living a fully awakened life
2. spending lots of time with people who love me
3. speaking many languages
4. enjoying robust health
5. helping other people have better lives.

I put this list in a couple of places where I would see it often. And I began to make choices based not so much on what I thought I should do, but on what was in alignment with my passions. For example, I signed up for Thai language lessons. Why not? I agreed to take a leadership role in an organization that serves adults with developmental disabilities. More meetings. (Shoot me in the face, as my daughter would say.) But I agreed because it would help people have better lives. It would help my two autistic sons have better lives. I got some friends together to learn to play mahjong. I started this blog. From the first day, I felt a shift. I said yes to the what and trusted that the how would follow. And I was happier.

The Dalai Lama says that happiness is a valid goal, and the "conscious decision to seek happiness in a systematic manner can profoundly change the rest of our lives." If you think that the pursuit of happiness is selfish, then consider the phenomenon of emotional contagion that Gretchen Rubin describes in her book The Happiness Project. Have you ever been unable to refrain from laughing when watching a baby laugh hysterically over something that you would never think of as funny? Is that not infectious laughter? Conversely, have you ever been feeling pretty good when someone walked in scowling and your mood immediately darkened? And I'm sure you've all heard, "If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." So remember that making choices in alignment with your passions will spread germs of happiness wherever you go.

Inviting the Demons to Tea

I’ve been out of sorts all week. Emo, as my daughter would say. (Or at least I think that is what she would say. I’m still not sure exactly what that means.) Quick to be irritated, quick to get teary. Restless, not sleeping. Even when I could shift to a better mood, I quickly sank back into my funk.

This morning I realized that I have fighting my feelings instead of feeling my feelings. I relaxed my resistance and surrendered to my feelings, whispering, “This, too. This, too.” No judgment. Just a soft opening. Unacknowledged grief blossomed. My foster daughter’s beloved grandmother died Valentine’s Day morning. Valentine’s Day is also the day my dad died years ago. My cowboy cousin died yesterday. And my dog is getting old. Loss, memory of loss, anticipated loss. This, too. Grief wrapped me up like a soft down comforter. I snuggled in and rested.

Feelings are like water. We can try to dam them up, but they are purest when allowed to flow freely. Dammed up feelings continue to exert pressure, to seek release. It takes a tremendous amount of energy to maintain that dam.

The story is told of Milarepa, an 8th century Tibetan Buddhist, who came back to his cave one day to find it filled with demons. He didn’t know how to get rid of them. He tried to teach them Buddhism. They ignored him. He got angry and attacked them. They just laughed. Finally, he gave up and said, “I’m not going anywhere and it seems that you are not either. I guess we will have to live here together,” at which point the demons promptly left.

Living in your happy place doesn’t mean always feeling happy. But it does mean honoring your feelings with gentle acceptance. This, too.