Feeding the Wolf

In the last post, we talked about our power to choose which feelings to feed, those that isolate us from others by closing our hearts, or those that connect us to others by opening our hearts. So how do we “feed” our feelings?

We feed them with our attention and attachment through our thoughts, words, and actions. Many of these represent habitual patterns. We often feed our negative feelings without even being aware of it. For example, here are some habits that some us might recognize:

Amplifying. We amplify our negative feelings by magnifying them with extreme characterization.

This always happens to me. No one ever listens to me. This is the worst thing that could happen. My life is ruined. You do that every time. It will never get better.

Guessing. We pretend to know what other people will do or think. We assume the worst and trigger an emotional reaction to that assumption.

My supervisor thinks I’m not doing a good job. People think I’m a bad mom. He’ll probably just say no. She won’t want to do that.

Identifying. We interpret some event as being about us.

My favorite example of this was told by a Buddhist teacher (I can’t remember now where I read this). She was going to speak at a conference and was having difficulty connecting with her contact person about the schedule. After calling several times, only to be told that he wasn’t available, she blurted out in frustration, “Maybe this means I shouldn’t speak at your conference.” The person on the other end paused and then said, “Maybe it just means he isn’t here right now.”

Forecasting. We play the what if game, spinning out worst case scenarios and reacting to them. If this was an Olympic event, I would have a wall of gold medals. I can take most any event and turn it into my worst nightmare. Here is an example. I’m not making this up. Once I was driving down the street and someone looked poised to step off the curb. I slowed down and passed without incident. Then I started forecasting.

Oh my gosh, what if she had stepped off the curb and I hit her? What if she was permanently disabled or died? What if she has children? What if I got sent to jail? What would happen to my kids? What if her family sued me and I lost everything? How would I ever live with the guilt of causing someone such terrible harm, even if it wasn’t my fault? What if it was my fault? What if I wasn’t paying attention and hit someone?

By the time I had gone several more blocks, my heart was racing and I was exhausted. When I realized what I was doing to myself, I was amazed. (As a friend commented some years back, my mind is a scary place. I have worked very hard over these last years to transform it into a place of joy.)

Justifying. We feel righteous in our feelings, even if the feelings do not serve us. We become defenders of our own negative emotions.

If this happened to you, you would feel like this, too. I have a right to feel this way. You don’t know what it’s like. I won’t let him do this to me.

Do any of these sound familiar to you? If we can identify our negative habits, we can change them. I’ll write more soon about how we can do that.

(I adapted this list of negative habits from The 4:8 Principle, the Secret of a Joy-Filled Life by Tommy Newberry.)