The Joy of Sadness, the Sadness of Joy

Underneath the hardness there is fear
Underneath the fear there is sadness
In the sadness there is softness
In the softness is the vast blue sky
–unknown

I sat in the subdued lighting of the ultrasound room. The technician glided the wand over my daughter’s growing belly. Too soon, too soon. Too young to have a baby. And yet, there it was. Checking, checking. Heart, brain, spine, abdomen, arms and legs, fingers and toes. Everything was there. Surreal.

And finally, the announcement we had been waiting for. “It’s a boy.” I started crying. Laughing and crying. Was I sad or happy? I have no idea. All I know was that my heart was full and overflowing.

How am I supposed to make sense of this? My mind tells me stories, stories of judgment and fear, embarrassment and worry. Oh, but my heart. My heart tells me stories of love and forgiveness, acceptance and anticipation, willingness and wonder, trust and faith.

Chogyam Trungpa teaches that joy comes from the gentle heart of sadness. When we can break through the hardness of absolutes and move through our fear of uncertainty, we find ourselves in the sea of sadness. All the suffering of the world is there. We might want to escape. Fear might lure us back to the “safety” of our hard defenses.

But if we can find the courage to stay, to yield, we can sink into the softness of our tender, open heart. With our heart thus exposed and vulnerable, we we are connected to the deep heart of all hearts. There we find freedom. We can soar with eagles in the vast blue sky.

The heart that breaks open can contain the whole universe. –Joanna Macy