Which Wolf are You going to Feed?

The last posts have been about acknowledging and honoring our feelings rather than denying them or repressing them. But some people have no problem identifying their feelings. On the contrary, as one commenter shared, their feelings are front and center, out of control, buffeting, raging, exhausting. How do we honor our feelings and at the same time not be at their mercy? I hope that as we focus on Step 4 this month, we can find a middle way, a way of modulating our feelings to support our emotional balance.

The story is told of a boy who was angry and upset, and went to his Native American grandfather for advice. The grandfather told him, “I have two wolves inside my heart. One of them is kind and understanding. He lives in harmony and peace. The other wolf is vengeful and cruel. He rages, but his anger changes nothing. The two wolves fight inside me to see which is more powerful.”

The boy asked his grandfather which wolf would win the fight in his heart. The grandfather responded, “The one I feed.”

I read that the life span of any emotion is 1 ½ minutes. After that, we need to give it more energy to keep it going. We need to feed it. We feed an emotion by attaching to it, telling ourselves stories about it, playing out scenarios based on it, nourishing it with our attention. (This gives “nursing a grudge” a whole new meaning.)

We can choose not to feed feelings that create separation and hostility. Pema Chodron tells a story from The Search for a Nonviolent Future by Michael Nagler, about a Jewish couple, Michael and Julie Weisser, who lived in Lincoln, Nebraska. They began to get threatening phone calls from the Ku Klux Klan. The caller would threaten to kill them, destroy their property, and harm their friends. They must have felt afraid, and probably angry.

The Weissers eventually figured out that the caller was Larry Trapp, the Grand Dragon of the Klan in that town. They knew that Larry was in a wheelchair and had a hard time getting around. During one venomous tirade, Michael spontaneously offered to give Larry a ride to the grocery store. Silence on the other end. Then Larry thanked them. They began to call him to offer whatever kind of help he needed. They brought him a home-cooked dinner. Finally, one day Larry took off his Nazi ring and severed his connection to the Klan.

The Weissers understood that behind every act of cruelty, there is always fear. They chose to feed the wolf of forgiveness and compassion. When we feel a strong emotion based on fear – hatred, anger, vengeance – we can remind ourselves that it will pass quickly if we don’t nourish it. We can pause and choose wisely which wolf to feed.