Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

When you see a good person,
think about evaluating that person.
When you see a bad person,
think about evaluating yourself.
–Confucius, quoted by Steve DeMasco in The Shaolin Way

Sometimes we are our own harshest critics, especially when we are criticizing someone else!

Last fall, I had one of those one-finger-pointing-at-someone-else-three-fingers-pointed-at-myself experiences. A colleague sent an email complaining about his teaching schedule. Because he thought my schedule was part of the unfairness (to him), I was copied on it. As it turns out, my schedule was not the one putting him at a perceived disadvantage; it was someone else’s. Then in the series of emails, he questioned the “POWER” of this other person to claim the coveted time slot.

Not sure if he was joking (I don’t know him very well), I deflected the issue with some weak humor. Afterwards, I pondered the email exchange and gifted what I labeled as his petty ego trip with some condescending compassion. Condescending, I say, because I saw myself as quite above such a silly fray. Way too spiritual, too serene, too wise. Concerned more with REAL suffering in the world rather than whether I would be coming home an hour later after work.

Basking in my moral superiority as I condemned his sense of workplace superiority (you see where this is going), I suddenly “saw” a mirror in front of me. I remembered years when an hour in my schedule meant the difference between being able to pick up my kids after school or needing after school childcare. I don’t know anything about my colleague’s personal life. That hour might be very important. Indeed, I remember times when I was practically apoplectic over being kept waiting 10 minutes. When I thought I was entitled to something better than someone else. Who am I to judge him?

Disappointed that my enjoyment of being more-enlightened-than-thou was so abruptly cut short, I started wondering if there was anything I could judge someone for that I wasn’t guilty of myself. Surely there is something I could point at and say with confidence, “I never have done and never would do that!” After several hours I couldn’t think of anything that I was not guilty of, either directly or indirectly.

Earlier this year, I was struggling more deeply with what I labeled as a careless and selfish choice by one of my kids. Her choice has changed her life and the lives of those around her, including mine. I was feeling resentful and angry. How could she be so unthinking about the consequences of her actions, so cavalier about their impact on others?

Then I remembered myself at her age. I was every parent’s worst nightmare. All I can say is that I must have had a whole platoon of guardian angels on 24/7 duty shifts, because it is truly a miracle that I did not destroy my life and take a few lives down with me during my tumultuous adolescence. As I said to one of my other kids once when she was amazed that I caught her doing something she was sure she could get away with, “Honey, you are not even in my league.” I am so glad my parents lived long enough to see me turn into a halfway decent human being. When I think of my own youth, I fall to my knees in gratitude for every one of my kids.

Seeing our judgments reflected back to us certainly takes the fun out of it! Thank God.

We don’t see things as they are. We see them as we are. –Anais Nin