Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Radical Forgiveness

Forgiveness is the path to happiness. –A Course in Miracles

I led a women’s retreat last fall. The theme of the retreat was four radical spiritual practices that lead to radical joy. One of the practices is radical forgiveness.

What do you think when you think of the word “radical”? Maybe the radical protesters of the 60s, radical fundamentalists, the radical left, radical change, and these days, free radicals. The word comes from the Latin word meaning “root.” It can mean fundamental, or extreme, or not ordinary.

Keeping that in mind, what would a radical spiritual practice be? Well, something that is not traditional. If we think about forgiveness, what does traditional forgiveness look like? If I think of forgiving someone, I probably start by thinking that person did something bad to me. Forgiving that person would mean releasing that person from my judgment, releasing the hold that the transgression has on my heart.

The Bible tells me I should forgive, as do many faiths as well as secular wisdom. But it’s not easy. I can dredge up things from long ago – a best friend who hurt my feelings, a broken promise, a forgotten invitation, a betrayal of confidence – that still sting. A few years ago, someone who was upset with me about something that was happening between us right then, burst forth with complaints about things I had done as a teenager. And while the accusations were valid, all I could think was, Gosh, haven’t I improved at all in the last forty years?

What is the power these wrongs have over us? Why is it that I believe so strongly that forgiveness is a good idea, and yet still nurse wounds long past? I wonder if it doesn’t start with the definition of forgive.

The definitions I found focus on granting pardon, or ceasing to blame or resent. These definitions assume that a wrong has been committed. If it has been committed against me, then I must be a victim.

But what if we question that assumption? What if no wrong has been committed? A Course in Miracles teaches that all perception of attack is based on a mistaken belief that we are separate from each other. Our whole view of the world is a creation of our egos, based in a past that isn’t real. Forgiveness is the miracle that corrects that mistake.

Hmm, I can get my head around this sometimes for a few moments when I am in a very deep kumbaya place of oneness. But much of the time, I am in a world of separate people who sometimes hurt my feelings or irritate me. When I am in pain, it’s hard to shift my world view to erase perceived transgressions as though they never happened.

But what if I could transform them? Not by traditional forgiveness that maintains a wronged victim model, but by radical forgiveness that is based on a victimless model that leads to gratitude. Gratitude...not a word we often associate with forgiveness.

Here’s how it might work.

1. First I have to acknowledge what has happened. Tell my story and feel my feelings about it. I’ll use an example from childhood when my best friend sided with the popular kids at a party, joining them in making fun of me, and excluding me from the group. It still hurts.

2. That hurt can manifest as anger and judgment, and create an obstacle to forgiveness. I can increase my suffering by trying to control what I can’t control. I might want my friend to behave differently. I might want her to be sorry. I might want her to stand up for me and tell off all those prissy little you know whats. So the next step is to befriend my pain rather than trying to deny it. The Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh teaches us to cradle our feelings like a baby.

3. Once my pain is honored and soothed, I can begin to look below the feelings at the underlying facts. Is there another way to look at them? Instead of judging my friend’s actions as selfish and mean, could I consider that she wanted the same things I did – to be popular, to belong, to be liked, to be accepted, to be valued? Might some of my anger towards her mask envy because she was included and I wasn’t? When I start considering other interpretations, my heart softens and I begin to feel compassion instead of condemnation.

4. So far we are still using the model of wronged victim, but here is where the radical part begins. Is it possible that what happened actually benefitted me in some way? For me to consider this, I have to loosen my grip on my victim identity. In what way is my life better because of what happened? What comes to mind is how that event shaped my views about inclusion. I won’t claim to be always compassionate, but whenever I see anyone being left out, being teased or bullied, I don’t hesitate to stand up for that person. And if I am in a group, I am more sensitive to issues of inclusion, making sure that everyone has a place at the table. As a parent, I was more attuned to these issues in the lives of my children, helping them cope if they were the targets, and imposing quick justice and education if they targeted others.

5. Thinking of that long ago event in this light transforms my friend’s actions from an attack to a gift. The pain is transformed into compassion. I am transformed from a victim to a more sensitive friend, a wiser parent, a more aware person. Forgiveness is transformed into the pearl of gratitude. And gratitude leads to joy.

It is a miracle, after all. And all miracles are radical.

You meant it for harm, but God meant it for good. –Genesis 50:20

related posts: New Best Friend; The F Word; Forgiveness, the Final Frontier

32 comments:

  1. I really like the example you have used and the steps you used towards forgiveness. I think that step #2 (So the next step is to befriend my pain rather than trying to deny it)is crucial, but often overlooked by many. Most times we try to 'get over it' and move on, but we can't until we allow ourselves to cradle our pain and acknowledge it.

    I love that scripture in Genesis you ended with that Joseph said. I can look back and see how a lot of my pain and things that hurt me God has used for good.

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    1. Jo, I spent a lot of years denying my feelings, so this was a big step for me to embrace. Thanks for your comment.

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  2. This is one of the best articles I've ever read on forgiveness. Thank you for sharing the steps. You made it logical and easy to understand and doable. Your quote from Genesis touched my heart. "You meant it for harm, but God meant it for good." My spirits feel refreshed after reading this.

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    1. Inspiring, Thank you so much! You made my day!

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  3. Very interesting article, and I completely agree with your thoughts here. It is so hard sometimes to forgive, and even those of us who practice it sometimes find times when it's tougher than other times. Wonderful post, loved it. There's one line in particular that brought a smile to my face... very deep kumbaya place. I like that. :)

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    1. sheila, The word practice jumped out at me from your comment. It's true. These are things we have to practice...repeatedly! Glad you liked that line. Thanks for commenting.

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  4. Jo mentioned the story of Joseph, the human example of someone living a Christ-like life. His ability to forgive was amazing. It landed him in a position to do good for his family and country after a beginning that would have left most of us destroyed.

    I focused on the word transformation in your post. At its core that is really what forgiveness is: transforming previous hurts and anger into a positive experience of self-growth. Forgiveness is the ultimate transformation of bad into good.

    Nicely written, Galen.

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    1. Bob, There are amazing models of forgiveness for us, and Joseph is one of the best. Talk about therapeutic issues! I'm not sure I would have been so gracious! And yet, he is the perfect example of transforming bad to good. Thank you for your insightful comment.

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  5. Very soothing post. Yes, we often feel victimized when we perceive that someone has wronged us. And even though we "forgive" it is very hard to forget, especially when we haven't been able to talk it through - and achieve closure. When someone does something, assumes, accuses and walks away, without so much as a backward look - it hurts.

    But I like your radical forgiveness principle - that of assessing if the event has benefited us in any way. I have my T-chart method that does something similar - where I write down the good on one side and the not so good on the other. I try and resolve the not so good. :-) And things always look brighter.

    It really helped me to read your post today. :-) No matter how much we think we've gotten over something, it does come back to hurt and haunt.

    Hugs, Galen.

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    1. Vidya, I like your T chart method, too. I can see how that would be very helpful. As someone said above this is a practice, because you described it perfectly--the things that come back to hurt and haunt. Thank you for commenting.

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  6. I think probably everyone has been wounded unjustly. Learning to accept that we all act improperly at times helps free us from the self-imposed shackles of blaming and grudge-holding. I always love returning to forgiveness as a topic. It's such a key component of the psychological healing process.

    Your exegesis is very useful and appropriate, Galen. I often wish more thoughtful people used scripture as wisdom literature, instead of as a weapon or a way to control the oppressed. I'm working to forgive them.

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    1. Mikey, Your observation about everyone having been wounded unjustly reminded me of a Buddha story. A woman's only son died and she went to Buddha to ask him to bring her son back to life. Buddha said he would if she could bring him a grain of rice from one family that had never been visited by death. Of course, she couldn't, so she returned to Buddha and became his disciple.

      Thanks for your reference to scripture as wisdom literature. I agree that it can be used by those that adhere to it as a weapon, and by those who don't as something to be rejected in totality. There is so much beauty in so many faith writings. Thanks for your comment.

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  7. All things must pass... and far too soon for my liking sometimes LOL I've often thought I'd love to be able to hold a grudge... at least long enough for the person involved to [at least] know what they'd done. But somehow it's not in my genes. I let it go [grin] Thanks for the post Galen... always good to think about why we do the things we do/don't do.

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    1. Jean, You are very fortunate to be among those for whom forgiveness comes naturally and easily. How do you think you learned this? Did your parents model this for you or did you come by it some other way?

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  8. great post and something I've been working through this week. I learned one thing....to hold onto anger and unforgiveness affects us more than the other person. Sometimes they don't even know or care but it can really take away so much from our lives. thanks for posting this message...

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    1. Nikki, So true. When I'm holding onto a grudge, it makes me even madder that the other person goes on with their life while I'm stewing in my misery! As they say, unforgiveness is like drinking rat poison hoping the rat will die!

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  9. I think what is profound truth is what the LORD revealed to me this morning.....to reach for salvation we must let go of the struggle....to be free from the hurts of the past we must stop struggling for freedom but let it come to us ....

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    1. Rhonda, That's a beautiful recognition, that forgiveness is a gift we receive when we stop trying to force things. Thanks for you comment.

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  10. As usual, an amazingly powerful piece. I need to reread this a couple of times as it is tugging on something that has been itching at my soul as of late... Galen, thank you for your words of wisdom.

    For these and all of your words that reach me, I am honoring you with the KREATIV BLOGGER AWARD! Go to my blog to see your name in bright lights, then check out the rules for the award, which I've pasted below: The Kreativ Blogger award comes with the following rules: 1. You must thank the person who has given you the award. 2. Copy the logo and place it on your blog. 3. Link the person who has nominated you for the award. 4. Name 7 things about yourself that people might find interesting. 5. Nominate 7 other Kreativ Bloggers. 6. Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate. 7. Leave a comment on which of the blogs to let them know they have been nominated. http://www.riverarunsthroughit.com/2012/03/kreativ-blogger-award.html

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    1. Nicole, Thank you for your kind words and for the honoring me with an award! I really appreciate it!

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  11. Nice post and I am of thought that forgiveness helps to move forward in life. It's hard, but we should for our own well-being.

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    1. Cynthia, You are right that forgiveness helps us move forward, instead of being chained to the past. Thanks for commenting.

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  12. My girlfriend and I were talking the other night about being radicals - thank you for giving me the info that it's the Latin word meaning root - makes sense.

    Like Jesus he was a radical in his time. I like the idea that ALL miracles are RADICAL for I believe in miracles and that must make me radical.

    I appreciate your post today for I believe in the words that you stated - joy and gratitude for not only the good things but in the bad times too - "consider it all joy".

    In gratitude,
    Nancy

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    1. Nancy, Jesus was definitely a radical! Thanks for reminding me to consider it all joy. I appreciate your comment.

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  13. Hi Galen,

    "Forgiveness is transformed into the pearl of gratitude" - what a beautiful line. Forgiveness can move us forward in life instead of remaining stuck. Your angle on radical forgiveness is interesting. That is definitely going one step further. I appreciate your thoughts on forgiveness. Well done.

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    1. Cathy, I'm glad you like that line. In the retreat I led, we identified the "pearl of joy" that each radical spiritual practice brought. I like that image, too. Thanks so much for your comment.

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  14. Wonderful post Galen! I like the idea that it's perception that helps you forgive. So true!!

    Love the course in miracles quote at the start!

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    1. Betsy, Thank you! A Course in Miracles is full of good teaching about forgiveness.

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  15. I can so easily capture forgiveness in my head and I do so have to practicing freeing up my heart...turning around to how something benefits me is so crucial to achieving the release and flow

    I often tell teens that they need to feel depressed when at home or in a safe and secure spot...it is a lesson we all need to feel and learn because it is a great teacher and being skilled at it is important to survival and success. When they figure out they are supposed to experience this emotion and learn how to from it - there is so much relief

    I need to forgive myself right now actually - I did the best I knew how to do at the time and now I know a better way - I can forgive again
    Thank you for sharing

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    1. Patricia, You last line is so important--to realize that we do the best we can at the time. Thanks for commenting.

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  16. I cannot pretend that I no longer have memories that still cause me to feel hurt. I have been "watching" myself as I review these memories. For these situations, I find that forgiveness is a peeling of layers. Of course, without these "hurts", I won't be where I am today. The shift in perspective helps. But I know that I have some way to go, before I have completely forgiven for these situations. I need to remember that I am the one who is hurting myself should I hold on to anger.

    You have provided a great example in your post. Thanks for sharing!

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    1. Evelyn, That's honest. I've found that the biggest step is just being willing to consider forgiveness. That opens the door to taking further steps as we are ready, whenever that is. Thanks for your comment.

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