Forgiveness, the Final Frontier

Of all the steps discussed in this blog, forgiveness is one of the most challenging. The foundation of so many teachings, and the subject of endless studies, it remains one of the most difficult to accomplish, and, at least for me, to write about.

“Forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.” Those familiar with the Christian faith recognize this as part of the Lord’s Prayer. But do you know the verses immediately following the Lord’s Prayer? “For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” (Just in case you need it spelled out because you weren’t paying attention when you were praying.)

That’s harsh! One person in our monthly discussion group asked in despair, “So if I can’t forgive someone, then I’m condemned?” Yikes!

Personally, I don’t think God is that stingy with forgiveness or exacts a quid pro quo. I believe that we live in a perpetual state of eternal grace. All of us, of any faith or no faith. I don’t think we can do anything to earn it or lose it. We become sidetracked by the merits of forgiveness. Does this person deserve it? Do I? We get caught up in judgment, knowing at some level we are reaping what we sow. And all the time, grace surrounds us and permeates us. It just is, like the air we breathe.

Yet we continue to seek it and withhold it. A Course in Miracles teaches that forgiveness corrects our misperception that we are separate, separate from others and separate from God. Forgiveness restores us to our true nature, oneness. Forgiveness releases us from our own bondage. We think in terms of forgiving others or being forgiven ourselves, but at some point we’ll see that it’s one and the same. Forgiveness heals our mistaken belief that we were ever unforgiven.

If we really understood how central forgiveness is to our well being, to our happiness, we would practice it, in Pema Chodron’s words, “like our hair was on fire.” My failure to forgive does not change who I am. Nor does it affect whoever it is that I am not forgiving. What it does is block my awareness of grace. I don’t like my awareness of grace blocked. So I try to forgive everyone, including myself.

But still, it’s so hard sometimes. Even the concept is hard to grasp, like a squirming, slippery fish. Forgiveness sometimes masks judgment. As in, I forgive you because I am a better person than you. Or lack of compassion, as in, I forgive you because I want you to feel guilty. And even when we genuinely forgive someone, sometimes the forgiveness doesn’t stay put. As in, I know I forgave you for this, but I was just remembering what you did and now I’m all upset again.

Only last night I was entertaining my daughter’s boyfriend with tales of some of her youthful misdeeds, and in the telling I became agitated and angry although these things happened years ago and I hadn’t even thought about them in ages. What started as a funny story that we were all laughing about triggered the hurt feelings like it was happening now. Wow.

So we start where we are. Sometimes that means I can enter the experience of universal grace, if only for a moment. Sometimes it means forgiving the same thing over and over. Sometimes it means that I can only express the willingness to forgive at some point in the future when I’m ready. It’s all okay. Whatever tiny step we can take to soften the hard crust around our hearts, to open a crack, to momentarily shift our perception, to consider the possibility of forgiveness, is to invite grace into our awareness. And grace, once invited, will surely come.