Giving by Asking

In my last post, I told you about “Fred” and the technique I used to forgive him. One of the commenters observed that when we forgive, we often see our own share of the responsibility for what happened. So true. So I would like to add a bit more today.

In telling the story of Fred to someone awhile back, I stumbled across a new perspective on forgiveness. As I explained in the last post, I held such bitterness towards Fred for so long that it was poisoning my whole life. So I set out to forgive Fred. I would like to tell you that my motivation was that I wanted to be a good person, but really I just wanted relief from the choke hold the resentment and blaming had on my life.

I worked hard in therapy, I completed forgiveness workbooks, I went to healing services, and I prayed. And gradually I forgave. And for the most part it stayed put. I went on with my life, free of the chains I had dragged around for so long. But as I was relating all this to my friend, something started nagging at me. Later, still reflecting on this vague uneasiness, I had a lightbulb-turning-on epiphany.

I realized that I had only completed half the work of forgiving. I still saw myself as the innocent party in this story. But was I? I had heaped judgment and blame on Fred. I had wished unpleasant things for him. And I had completely denied my own contribution to the escalation of the enmity between us. It was my own reaction to what had happened that created such a monster of bitterness and anger. It was my own feeding of that resentment that caused forgiveness to take so long and require so much effort.

I myself had committed hurtful thoughts, words, and actions, both during the time of conflict and for a long time afterwards as I nursed my fury and pain. And so in my heart I asked Fred for forgiveness. It wasn’t easy. I didn’t like admitting, even to myself, the things I had thought and said and done. Humbling, to be sure.

In recognizing my own complicity, I found it hard to hold onto any lingering unforgiving feelings I had toward Fred. So I’m wondering if I have stumbled onto a shortcut to forgiving others. Giving forgiveness is easier if you are also asking for forgiveness. It is very difficult to ask for forgiveness and judge someone at the same time. That’s because asking for forgiveness is a heart opening gesture, and, as we know, unforgiveness closes our hearts. By shifting our attention, even momentarily, from blaming the other person to looking for our own responsibility, we soften the hardness of our hearts. We see that we are in need of forgiveness, too.

Now, when I catch myself feeling wronged, in even some small way, before I get too invested in the story of someone else’s shortcomings, I try to stop and ask forgiveness for the separation I am creating by my own thoughts. My heart stays open and filled with compassion for all of us, trying to do the best we can.