God Bless That Ol’ @#&!

By now, we are probably convinced that forgiveness is a good idea. But then how do we do it? How do we let go of the anger and resentment and fear? How do we mean it? Here is the good news. We don’t have to mean it, at least not right away. All we have to do is be willing to mean it. Or even to consider the possibility that one day we might be willing to mean it.

Some years back I went through a very difficult time. The details are not important, but what is important is that I blamed someone for causing me so much stress and anguish that I thought I was going to die of it. I’ll call this person Fred. I blamed Fred for everything that seemed wrong with my life at that time, which was a lot. I hated Fred. I wanted bad things to happen to him. I fantasized about terrible things I’m too ashamed to describe. I felt no mercy. I wanted vengeance.

Over time, life settled down and went on. But my fury still burned brightly. I still thought about it and talked about it. Until finally, I was tired of it. Tired and bored. I groaned and rolled my eyes every time I heard myself telling the story again. And again. And AGAIN. Goodness knows how my friends stood me. I couldn’t stand myself.

I knew that my unforgiveness was costing me my well being – physically, emotionally, spiritually. I began to want to change. I thought I could just decide to forgive and be done with it. That didn’t work. I read books on forgiveness. I did workbooks on forgiveness. But I was stuck. I obsessively and repeatedly revisited all the wrongs I thought I had suffered at the hands of Fred, like watching news accounts of some horrible crime or natural disaster over and over. It was an addiction – a habit I couldn’t stop.

My brain was in a rut. A rut worn so deep from driving over it a gazillion times, that I couldn’t steer out of it. I needed to start building a new path. My brain needed a new habit. So this is what I did.

Every time I thought about Fred, at the very instant I began to repeat my habitual pattern, I substituted a new thought before the emotions started churning. Before I was hooked. “God bless Fred and please help me mean it.” Let me be clear. I did not mean it. Not for a second. I did not mean the “God bless Fred” part, and sometimes I didn’t even mean the “please help me mean it” part.

But the point really wasn’t to mean it. At least not yet. The point was to break the habit. To get out of the rut. And perhaps to ask for help.

So I prayed this prayer over and over. At the beginning, sometimes several times an hour. Many times a day. And over weeks and months, very slowly, the blame loosened its grip. My heart began to soften. My feelings didn’t boil when a thought about Fred crossed my mind. The thoughts didn’t come so often. By then, the prayer had become a habit, so that when a thought of Fred popped up, the blessing was automatically triggered. Sometimes I hardly noticed it. And finally one day I said it and gasped in amazement. I really did mean it. I really, truly wished Fred well. It was a miracle.

This is a technique you can use, too, when you find yourself past the point where you have honored your feelings, when you find that unforgiveness is becoming a heart hardening habit. You don’t have to use the same words. Choose words that will mean something to you. Keep it short and simple. The important thing is to break your habit of closing your heart with judgment and blame, and to substitute a habit of opening your heart, allowing forgiveness to flow naturally and freely.

It’s worth the effort.