Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Losing My Way...

Living in my happy place does not mean feeling happy all the time. I have not felt happy these last few days. Three friends have died in recent weeks of cancer. I’m sad for their families and for all the people who will miss them.

I’m sad because the other night at Dan’s birthday dinner, James was being rude and disruptive at the restaurant. Nothing I said helped him redirect his negative behavior. On the contrary, it seemed that everything I said aggravated him even more. Which in turn, aggravated me. I was unable to take an emotional step back. I felt frustrated, embarrassed, angry, ashamed, and sad. So sad.

The anniversary of 9/11 hit me hard. People of faith, many faiths, stirring up so much anger and hatred. So much fear. Causing so much pain. The shortest verse in the Bible is John 11:35. “Jesus wept.” I think he must be weeping now. My spirit hurts.

I try to meditate, to pray. To pick an appropriate step and use it. Where are all those happy habits I’ve been nurturing? I’m churned up, cranky, uncomfortable. I want to have a tantrum and a good cry, and then go to bed for several days. Until the storm passes. Until I feel at peace.

No, living in our happy place does not mean that life is always joyful. Old habits resurface. Judgment, criticism, control. Especially control.

So I wait.

Wait for the Lord. Be strong and let your heart take courage. –Psalms 27:14


  1. I appreciate your honesty in this post. More than you know, actually.

    I'm going through some hard stuff and as such, I've been thinking about my blog. I write it to be a place of encouragement and hope for women, but you know, lately it feels like a lie. I don't feel encouraged and I don't feel hopeful. I'm sorry that you're down right now, but selfishly, it makes me feel a little better about my own situation. I guess we can't be all sweetness and light all the time, huh?

    Hope things get better for you very soon!

  2. Thank you so much for your comment. I was hesitant to hit the publish button on this post for just the reasons you describe. It was hard to admit that I am struggling, but it felt right to be honest. As my blog description states, joyful habits can build a reservoir of well-being to sustain us during challenging times. I'm counting on that now.

  3. What a very touching post. I'm happy I came across this message tonight. Thank you for sharing your heart.

  4. First thing each morning I check my emails & have my cup of cofee. As I read ur post, my heart went out to u. I am very touched by your raw truths. We are so vulnerable. It made me think of a quote -"As we give fully, unafraid to let others know the truth about ourselves, we receive unexpected rewards from unexpected sources" - Helen Lerner-Robbins (writer). I later went to have my tea & on the string is a quote and todays was "All my possessions for a moment of time" by Elizabeth 1 (1533-1603). This brought me back again to your post. You see a few years back I had an urge to get in touch with a dear friend I had not seen for some time. I was visiting my mom when I had this urge. I told my mother about it. I brushed off the urge with things that needed to be done and ackward feelings of getting in touch after so much time had passed. A week later that dear friend passed away. When I arrived at the funeral her mother came to me, tears in her eyes and stated "Shanda, it so good to see you, Nancy just a week ago was saying how she really would love to see you." We both started crying embraced & I told her how I had the same longing. I can never get that "moment of time" to reach out to my friend & see her before she passed. My heart aches. I am so glad that you were able to see your dear friend Greg before he passed. That is a treasure. We are vulnerable when we open our hearts. as Helen Keller stated "When indeed shall we learn we are all related one to the other, that we are all members of one body?". Thank you for sharing. Sometimes when I am really blue I pull out a "Power Thought Card" from Louise L. Hay

  5. Thank you, Shanda. There is much in your comment to think about. I have already read it several times. Indeed, the unexpected "rewards" I have received are the comments and emails of support and encouragement from unexpected sources! Thank you so much.


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