I’m a problem solver. For most of my life, I have viewed this as one of my greatest strengths. And it is. Except when it isn’t.
If my problem is that I’m out of clean socks, then I can solve it by doing the laundry. But if my problem is that my son is autistic, then try as I might, and try as I did for years, I cannot solve it. Years of various therapies improved my son James’s life, but they did not cure what I saw as the problem of his autism.
The problem with my problem solving approach in that situation is that I saw his autism as a problem, a problem with one solution which was to make him not autistic. When I couldn’t solve the problem, I saw myself as a failure. So then I had a son who was not “okay” and I wasn’t okay, either.
I’ve come to understand that there are limits to problem solving as an approach to every challenge. As Pema Chodron says, “Problem solving is based first on thinking there is a problem and second on thinking there is a solution. The concepts of problem and solution can keep us stuck in thinking that there is ... a right way and a wrong way.”
Chodron suggests a different approach, one that focuses on “working with rather than struggling against.”
My epiphany regarding this approach came from none other than James himself, who observed one morning, “It’s great to be James!” Wow. James never saw his autism as a problem. He never saw himself as not okay.
Eschewing a right/wrong, problem solving approach to challenges requires a relinquishment of control, a willingness to keep an open mind, a tolerance for not knowing what will happen. And sometimes a humbling of the ego.
I’m still a problem solver. But I’ve learned that my problem solving skills are useful in some situations and not in others. I’m still learning to tell the difference.
Enlightenment is the ego’s ultimate disappointment. –Chogyam Trungpa
related post: Joy in the Morning
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Pinocchio's Wish
A boy went to a restaurant with his parents. When the server asked him what he wanted, he ordered a hot dog and a soda. His mother quickly said, “Oh, no, he’ll have the skinless chicken breast with vegetables.” His dad added, “And milk instead of soda.” The boy looked crestfallen. The server paused, then turned to the boy. “Would you like relish on your hot dog?” she asked. After she left the table, the boy was beaming. “Did you see that?” he exclaimed. “She thinks I’m real!”
When I heard this story, I thought about how often I run roughshod over people’s feelings. Not because I’m mean, but because I’m distracted or in a hurry, or because I think I know better.
The boy’s parents were presumably thinking about their son’s nutritional health when overriding his order. But his response goes beyond physical nutrition to nutrition of the soul. Just like the wooden puppet Pinocchio, who wished to be a real boy, we all want to be recognized as real. We want to be listened to. And valued. And cared about.
That server probably didn’t get a big tip from those parents, but, like the Blue Fairy in Pinocchio, she granted the boy’s wish for something more important than a hot dog.
related post: That Man Might Be Jesus
When I heard this story, I thought about how often I run roughshod over people’s feelings. Not because I’m mean, but because I’m distracted or in a hurry, or because I think I know better.
The boy’s parents were presumably thinking about their son’s nutritional health when overriding his order. But his response goes beyond physical nutrition to nutrition of the soul. Just like the wooden puppet Pinocchio, who wished to be a real boy, we all want to be recognized as real. We want to be listened to. And valued. And cared about.
That server probably didn’t get a big tip from those parents, but, like the Blue Fairy in Pinocchio, she granted the boy’s wish for something more important than a hot dog.
related post: That Man Might Be Jesus
Saturday, June 2, 2012
Take Your Medicine!
A cheerful heart is good medicine. –Proverbs 17:22
One spring years ago, I was talking to the child psychologist who worked with my autistic son. I was going over several therapeutic program options for the summer. One option I dismissed quickly by saying, “This one would just be fun.” The doctor leaned forward until he was sure I was paying attention and said slowly and deliberately, “Fun...is...good.”
I guess all those years of training paid off for him, because that was one of the smartest things I ever heard.
Click here to read the rest at Growing Old with Grace.
related post: Fun is Good!
One spring years ago, I was talking to the child psychologist who worked with my autistic son. I was going over several therapeutic program options for the summer. One option I dismissed quickly by saying, “This one would just be fun.” The doctor leaned forward until he was sure I was paying attention and said slowly and deliberately, “Fun...is...good.”
I guess all those years of training paid off for him, because that was one of the smartest things I ever heard.
Click here to read the rest at Growing Old with Grace.
related post: Fun is Good!
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Fabulousity Factor
You might not know what that is yet, but I intuitively know that you want to have it! I know this because my intuition has been freed and magnified by reading The Intuition Principle, by Angela Artemis, author of the blog Powered by Intuition.
The Intuition Principle is what connects us to our true spiritual nature. It unlocks our destiny and guides us from the source of our inner wisdom, our global mind or Greater Intelligence. When we live by it, we experience the Fabulousity Factor, where “serendipity and synchronicity are constantly working in your life, producing wonderful coincidences that solve problems or bring answers you need.”
The great news is that this wisdom is innate in all of us. Angela’s book helps us recognize various forms of intuition, expand our own intuitive skills, and apply them in our lives with deep and lasting benefit, to us and to the world.
When I started reading this book, I got chills – no kidding. Angela’s words resonated so strongly that my body vibrated in response. But don’t dismiss this as woowoo magic. Einstein himself, in one of the many memorable quotations in the book, said that our intuition is a sacred gift. Indeed, Angela’s explanation and teaching of the Intuition Principle are impressively grounded in research and science.
But don’t forget the fun! Before I read the book, I understood the connection between intuition and wisdom, but I didn’t understand fully the connection between intuition and joy until Angela explained it. Then is was so obvious. In fact, one of the main benefits to living by the Intuition Principle is increased joy and well-being. The fun starts with a pop quiz to see how intuitive you are. But don’t worry! You’ll see that you already are using your intuition, even when you don’t know it. For example, you might think of someone who then calls unexpectedly, or you make a choice that doesn’t have an obviously rational basis but turns out exactly right. Angela encourages us to view the development of our natural intuition not as a chore but as a great adventure.
So how do we embark on this adventure? The book is chock full of practical exercises and guided meditations. Instructions are clear, and progress can be easily achieved and verified. If you try even some of her suggestions, you will see results. There is no way to fail.
Yet we do encounter blocks to intuition, for example, the need to be right, or the need to control. These jumped out at me because they are also blocks to experiencing joy. These and other blocks are based in fear. Angela gently guides us through steps to acknowledge and release the fear, so that our intuition (and joy) can flow freely.
And once your intuition is flowing freely, it will guide you to your greatest passion, your highest purpose, and your most authentic life. Furthermore, Angela explains how en masse, this will change our world as we evolve from the Age of Technology to the Age of Intuition. As a person still trying to figure out Facebook and my new TV, I can’t wait for that!
So, using my newly developed intuitive skills, here is what I know:
1. You will love this book.
2. It will change your life.
3. After we all read it, our collective fabulousity factor will light up the world.
Click here to buy your copy!
related posts: Falling Away; Mushroom Experience
The Intuition Principle is what connects us to our true spiritual nature. It unlocks our destiny and guides us from the source of our inner wisdom, our global mind or Greater Intelligence. When we live by it, we experience the Fabulousity Factor, where “serendipity and synchronicity are constantly working in your life, producing wonderful coincidences that solve problems or bring answers you need.”
The great news is that this wisdom is innate in all of us. Angela’s book helps us recognize various forms of intuition, expand our own intuitive skills, and apply them in our lives with deep and lasting benefit, to us and to the world.
When I started reading this book, I got chills – no kidding. Angela’s words resonated so strongly that my body vibrated in response. But don’t dismiss this as woowoo magic. Einstein himself, in one of the many memorable quotations in the book, said that our intuition is a sacred gift. Indeed, Angela’s explanation and teaching of the Intuition Principle are impressively grounded in research and science.
But don’t forget the fun! Before I read the book, I understood the connection between intuition and wisdom, but I didn’t understand fully the connection between intuition and joy until Angela explained it. Then is was so obvious. In fact, one of the main benefits to living by the Intuition Principle is increased joy and well-being. The fun starts with a pop quiz to see how intuitive you are. But don’t worry! You’ll see that you already are using your intuition, even when you don’t know it. For example, you might think of someone who then calls unexpectedly, or you make a choice that doesn’t have an obviously rational basis but turns out exactly right. Angela encourages us to view the development of our natural intuition not as a chore but as a great adventure.
So how do we embark on this adventure? The book is chock full of practical exercises and guided meditations. Instructions are clear, and progress can be easily achieved and verified. If you try even some of her suggestions, you will see results. There is no way to fail.
Yet we do encounter blocks to intuition, for example, the need to be right, or the need to control. These jumped out at me because they are also blocks to experiencing joy. These and other blocks are based in fear. Angela gently guides us through steps to acknowledge and release the fear, so that our intuition (and joy) can flow freely.
And once your intuition is flowing freely, it will guide you to your greatest passion, your highest purpose, and your most authentic life. Furthermore, Angela explains how en masse, this will change our world as we evolve from the Age of Technology to the Age of Intuition. As a person still trying to figure out Facebook and my new TV, I can’t wait for that!
So, using my newly developed intuitive skills, here is what I know:
1. You will love this book.
2. It will change your life.
3. After we all read it, our collective fabulousity factor will light up the world.
Click here to buy your copy!
related posts: Falling Away; Mushroom Experience
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Queen for a Day
There was a TV show in the US when I was a child (long ago!) called Queen for a Day. It was an early version of reality game shows. Various women would come on the show and tell their sad tales of woe, including what they wanted most, often something like a washing machine or medical help for a sick child. After the stories were told, the audience would clap for their favorite, and one woman would be chosen as the queen based on the level of applause. She was crowned and draped in regal robes, and seated on a throne. Her wishes were granted, and other prizes were awarded.
Although the show, like many of its ilk, was embarrassing and humiliating, the concept was alluring. Here were women often overlooked as they went through their lives of challenge and sacrifice. One of them would be singled out as special and celebrated.
I was witness to such an event in my own life that made a lasting impression. I had an aunt who was special to me, Aunt Bernice (pronounced with the accent on the first syllable – Bur’ness). My mother was the youngest in a large family from the Ozark Mountains in Missouri, and Aunt Bernice took the place of the grandmother who had died before I was born. She gave “down home” all the deep soul meaning the expression has always had for me. Handmade quilts, cut short beans cooking on the stove, the gold spray painted bust of JFK on the wall, the plastic praying hands on a doily on the lamp table. Her speech was full of extra A’s, as in “I’m a-gonna cook up some more cut short beans.”
Aunt Bernice was no one famous or powerful. She spent her days tending to her family. I adored her.
My friend Tom and I took her out to lunch one day. Tom is famous and powerful. A graduate of Harvard Law School, an influential lawyer, a man used to being listened to. But on that day you would not have known it. He treated Aunt Bernice like she was queen for a day. He held her chair, made sure her food was to her liking, asked her about her family, listened attentively to the stories of her childhood, stories I grew up with.
Like this one. As a young girl, Aunt Bernice liked to go down to the creek. One day, she heard someone coming, and hid in the bushes. Along came a boy she knew riding on a mule. He spied her in the bushes and called out to her. She was too embarrassed to reply, so she picked up a rock and threw it at him, striking the mule which then bolted up the creek. She ended up marrying that boy.
Oh, she told it so much better than that. As Tom listened, Aunt Bernice grinned with pleasure, the deep lines in her face crinkling up like brittle paper. And I grinned with pleasure, too, watching her enjoy herself, grateful to my friend for his gallantry and kindness. The way he treated my aunt made a much bigger impression on me than all his elite degrees and prestigious positions. When I commented later on his graciousness, he said that his father taught him that all people deserve our attention and respect, that we should make everyone comfortable in our presence. Wise dad, that one.
Aunt Bernice died just before her 100th birthday, leaving a legacy of children, grandchildren, great grandchildren, and great great grandchildren. I have many treasured memories of her, but that lunch stands out to me. She was queen for a day that day, as she was in my heart every day.
Is there someone in your life who deserves to be queen or king for a day?
related post: Who are Your People?
Although the show, like many of its ilk, was embarrassing and humiliating, the concept was alluring. Here were women often overlooked as they went through their lives of challenge and sacrifice. One of them would be singled out as special and celebrated.
I was witness to such an event in my own life that made a lasting impression. I had an aunt who was special to me, Aunt Bernice (pronounced with the accent on the first syllable – Bur’ness). My mother was the youngest in a large family from the Ozark Mountains in Missouri, and Aunt Bernice took the place of the grandmother who had died before I was born. She gave “down home” all the deep soul meaning the expression has always had for me. Handmade quilts, cut short beans cooking on the stove, the gold spray painted bust of JFK on the wall, the plastic praying hands on a doily on the lamp table. Her speech was full of extra A’s, as in “I’m a-gonna cook up some more cut short beans.”
Aunt Bernice was no one famous or powerful. She spent her days tending to her family. I adored her.
My friend Tom and I took her out to lunch one day. Tom is famous and powerful. A graduate of Harvard Law School, an influential lawyer, a man used to being listened to. But on that day you would not have known it. He treated Aunt Bernice like she was queen for a day. He held her chair, made sure her food was to her liking, asked her about her family, listened attentively to the stories of her childhood, stories I grew up with.
Like this one. As a young girl, Aunt Bernice liked to go down to the creek. One day, she heard someone coming, and hid in the bushes. Along came a boy she knew riding on a mule. He spied her in the bushes and called out to her. She was too embarrassed to reply, so she picked up a rock and threw it at him, striking the mule which then bolted up the creek. She ended up marrying that boy.
Oh, she told it so much better than that. As Tom listened, Aunt Bernice grinned with pleasure, the deep lines in her face crinkling up like brittle paper. And I grinned with pleasure, too, watching her enjoy herself, grateful to my friend for his gallantry and kindness. The way he treated my aunt made a much bigger impression on me than all his elite degrees and prestigious positions. When I commented later on his graciousness, he said that his father taught him that all people deserve our attention and respect, that we should make everyone comfortable in our presence. Wise dad, that one.
Aunt Bernice died just before her 100th birthday, leaving a legacy of children, grandchildren, great grandchildren, and great great grandchildren. I have many treasured memories of her, but that lunch stands out to me. She was queen for a day that day, as she was in my heart every day.
Is there someone in your life who deserves to be queen or king for a day?
related post: Who are Your People?
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Ever Smaller
George said, “God is short and fat.”
Nick said, “No, He’s tall and lean.”
Len said, “With a long white beard.”
“No,” said John, “He’s shaven clean.”
Rhonda Rose said, “He’s a She.”
I smiled but never showed ‘em all
The autographed photograph God sent to me.
–Shel Silverstein
We think we know. We think we know what God looks like and what God wants. We think we know where stars are born, and how. We think we know what the stock market will do. Or the weather. We think we know which political party is right. We think there is a right...and wrong.
My mother told me once that something was against the moral laws of the universe. Wow, I thought, how does she know what the moral laws of the whole universe are?
And now I’ve learned that there may be multiple universes, or a multiverse. The cover story in the current Newsweek magazine posits the possibility of billions of big bangs, each creating a unique universe, made up of energy and matter that we might not even recognize in ours. We’ve come a long way from believing that the cosmos revolves around our flat world on the back of a turtle.
The concept of a multiverse comes as no surprise to me. I have known for years about these other universes. That’s where my keys go when I put them down and they disappear.
I marvel at people’s certainty about things. I have friends of different faiths, each so sure that their faith is the only one that leads to, well, wherever it is we want to be. One person’s faith is so detailed that she can pinpoint precisely the timing of specific events lost in the mists of history and myth, and events that will happen in the future. I asked her if it was important to believe in the details. Oh yes, she said. I asked her if members of her faith ever disagreed about any of the details. Oh no, she said. Hmmm.
I marvel at the vehement conviction of opposing political parties. Recent years of politics in the US have led up to an election year that promises little except further polarization. The parties are moving further apart at ever increasing speed just like the galaxies in our universe.
I marvel at the exponentially increasing information that is available to me in seconds with a few clicks on the computer. You might think that knowledge would increase just as rapidly as access to information. And yet, what I know for sure seems to grow ever smaller. As the universe expands my sphere of certainty shrinks until it threatens to collapse into a black hole.
The funny thing is that I’m okay with that. The less I know, the less I need to know. Frankly, it’s a relief.
My mother would probably say that’s against the moral laws of the multiverse.
related posts: I’m Right–So What; The Curiosity of Not Knowing; What I Know for Sure
Nick said, “No, He’s tall and lean.”
Len said, “With a long white beard.”
“No,” said John, “He’s shaven clean.”
Rhonda Rose said, “He’s a She.”
I smiled but never showed ‘em all
The autographed photograph God sent to me.
–Shel Silverstein
We think we know. We think we know what God looks like and what God wants. We think we know where stars are born, and how. We think we know what the stock market will do. Or the weather. We think we know which political party is right. We think there is a right...and wrong.
My mother told me once that something was against the moral laws of the universe. Wow, I thought, how does she know what the moral laws of the whole universe are?
And now I’ve learned that there may be multiple universes, or a multiverse. The cover story in the current Newsweek magazine posits the possibility of billions of big bangs, each creating a unique universe, made up of energy and matter that we might not even recognize in ours. We’ve come a long way from believing that the cosmos revolves around our flat world on the back of a turtle.
The concept of a multiverse comes as no surprise to me. I have known for years about these other universes. That’s where my keys go when I put them down and they disappear.
I marvel at people’s certainty about things. I have friends of different faiths, each so sure that their faith is the only one that leads to, well, wherever it is we want to be. One person’s faith is so detailed that she can pinpoint precisely the timing of specific events lost in the mists of history and myth, and events that will happen in the future. I asked her if it was important to believe in the details. Oh yes, she said. I asked her if members of her faith ever disagreed about any of the details. Oh no, she said. Hmmm.
I marvel at the vehement conviction of opposing political parties. Recent years of politics in the US have led up to an election year that promises little except further polarization. The parties are moving further apart at ever increasing speed just like the galaxies in our universe.
I marvel at the exponentially increasing information that is available to me in seconds with a few clicks on the computer. You might think that knowledge would increase just as rapidly as access to information. And yet, what I know for sure seems to grow ever smaller. As the universe expands my sphere of certainty shrinks until it threatens to collapse into a black hole.
The funny thing is that I’m okay with that. The less I know, the less I need to know. Frankly, it’s a relief.
My mother would probably say that’s against the moral laws of the multiverse.
related posts: I’m Right–So What; The Curiosity of Not Knowing; What I Know for Sure
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Who Would You Meet?
Several times recently, a question has come up in conversation. Who would you want to meet if you could meet anyone, living or dead, fictional or real?
I would want to meet Bruce Lee. Yes, because of his legendary martial arts skills, but not only because of that.
Bruce Lee embodied, literally, the philosophy of the Tao Te Ching. He revolutionized martial arts with an approach described as the way of no way. He believed that the various styles of martial arts limited one’s abilities by requiring adherence to rigid forms and techniques. He dropped the distinctions and integrated all styles to be responsive in the moment.
His personal philosophy paralleled his martial arts philosophy. “You can’t organize truth. That’s like putting water in wrapping paper and trying to shape it.” “Be water, my friend.” He was educated and intelligent, a deep thinker who wrote and spoke eloquently about a way of life that focused on inner awareness and enlightenment.
His personal life was a profile of the American way. Unlike most martial arts teachers of that time, he did not restrict his students to his own ethnic group. In spite of vigorous opposition, he opened his classes to anyone who wanted to come, regardless of race or gender. He married a white woman at a time when interracial marriages were rare and even dangerous.
But one of the ways he most influenced my life might not have really been part of his life at all. In Dragon, a movie about his life, there is a theme that resonated in my soul. A demon appeared to him at various times, as if in a dream or vision. Each time, he was terrified and helpless. When he spoke to his teacher about it, the teacher explained that the demon was his father’s demon, passed down to him. The teacher said that he would have to fight the demon. When Bruce protested, the teacher stated, “You will fight the demon to save your son.” In the last encounter, Bruce saw his son threatened by the demon and found the courage and strength to fight and vanquish it.
I believe that many of us carry the “demons” of our parents, as they did for theirs. We pass these on to our children, often unknowingly, certainly unintentionally. By the time I saw this movie, I was aware of certain things in my own life that I recognized as issues my mother struggled with. I’m guessing her mother did, too. Perhaps these issues stretched back for generations, being passed down from mother to daughter.
I began to see that at some level I was already starting to pass my inherited demons on to my daughter, in spite of my determination not to. The only way to prevent it, I finally acknowledged, was for me to deal with the issues in my own life. There was no other way to protect my children.
That demon theme in Dragon might have been a fictionalized addition to Bruce Lee’s biography, but it had a very real impact on me. Watching the story made me realize that, like Bruce Lee in the movie, I would have to fight. What I had up till then been unwilling to do on my own behalf, I was determined to do for my children. The legacy was going to stop with me.
The changes in my life that led to the 10 Steps to Finding Your Happy Place have their roots partly in the story of Bruce Lee, at least as it was told in the movie. If I could meet anyone, he is the person I would want to meet.
What about you? Who would you meet if you could?
related posts: The Way of No Way; It Is Not So; Powerful Beyond Measure
I would want to meet Bruce Lee. Yes, because of his legendary martial arts skills, but not only because of that.
Bruce Lee embodied, literally, the philosophy of the Tao Te Ching. He revolutionized martial arts with an approach described as the way of no way. He believed that the various styles of martial arts limited one’s abilities by requiring adherence to rigid forms and techniques. He dropped the distinctions and integrated all styles to be responsive in the moment.
His personal philosophy paralleled his martial arts philosophy. “You can’t organize truth. That’s like putting water in wrapping paper and trying to shape it.” “Be water, my friend.” He was educated and intelligent, a deep thinker who wrote and spoke eloquently about a way of life that focused on inner awareness and enlightenment.
His personal life was a profile of the American way. Unlike most martial arts teachers of that time, he did not restrict his students to his own ethnic group. In spite of vigorous opposition, he opened his classes to anyone who wanted to come, regardless of race or gender. He married a white woman at a time when interracial marriages were rare and even dangerous.
But one of the ways he most influenced my life might not have really been part of his life at all. In Dragon, a movie about his life, there is a theme that resonated in my soul. A demon appeared to him at various times, as if in a dream or vision. Each time, he was terrified and helpless. When he spoke to his teacher about it, the teacher explained that the demon was his father’s demon, passed down to him. The teacher said that he would have to fight the demon. When Bruce protested, the teacher stated, “You will fight the demon to save your son.” In the last encounter, Bruce saw his son threatened by the demon and found the courage and strength to fight and vanquish it.
I believe that many of us carry the “demons” of our parents, as they did for theirs. We pass these on to our children, often unknowingly, certainly unintentionally. By the time I saw this movie, I was aware of certain things in my own life that I recognized as issues my mother struggled with. I’m guessing her mother did, too. Perhaps these issues stretched back for generations, being passed down from mother to daughter.
I began to see that at some level I was already starting to pass my inherited demons on to my daughter, in spite of my determination not to. The only way to prevent it, I finally acknowledged, was for me to deal with the issues in my own life. There was no other way to protect my children.
That demon theme in Dragon might have been a fictionalized addition to Bruce Lee’s biography, but it had a very real impact on me. Watching the story made me realize that, like Bruce Lee in the movie, I would have to fight. What I had up till then been unwilling to do on my own behalf, I was determined to do for my children. The legacy was going to stop with me.
The changes in my life that led to the 10 Steps to Finding Your Happy Place have their roots partly in the story of Bruce Lee, at least as it was told in the movie. If I could meet anyone, he is the person I would want to meet.
What about you? Who would you meet if you could?
related posts: The Way of No Way; It Is Not So; Powerful Beyond Measure
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)